Molly and Dollop: Conversations with the Master

Finding Security in a Sperm Bank

MOLLY:

Sissy says I should have a 401(K) to assure my future income, and also a sperm bank, for a rainy day.  What kind of sperm should I be banking?

DOLLOP:

Well, traditionally you were expected to fall in love with the sperm receptacle but in modern times it is not so easy because our expectations for the “love” situation are just impossible.  For example, can any reasonable person be expected to love a man who does not have the stamina of Lance Armstrong?  Of course not.

Just as women enter beauty contests in order to offer themselves for selection and crowning, men enter sperm bank centers and offer themselves for crowning of a sort.  They are asked to fill out an application describing their physical aspects and those are considered in determining the market value of their sperm.  For example, nobody marks the box “under 5 feet” for height.  “Over 250 pounds” weight is also a rare entry.   Typically, the sperm donor will mark “look like Lance Armstrong” and “love bubble baths with my sweetie” and “tofu is my favorite food.” 

In your bank, you should think of diversification.  For example, what if in a few years you take a liking to gardening and want children who will share your passion?  You might look for the sperm of a troll who delights in the forest and flora.  Or, you feel the urge to alienate your parents and want to give them a “tough to love” experience with their grandchildren, you might pick the sperm of a beer-swilling, fat, unemployed bum with bad teeth, little hair, and unfortunate bodily proportions. 

It turns out that, just as most girls do not get awarded the prize at the beauty pageant, most sperm donors leave their goods in the recesses of massive freezers, full of hope and promise.   The women shopping out in the lobby are flipping through binders, marking their scoring sheets, brutally discounting the average, the decent, the boring.  They are looking for “spice,” an “edge,” a flash of brilliance and a great gut feeling.

Research shows that women can sense testosterone levels when they look at a man, and that when they want a fling, they pick men who have high testosterone.  (That is a code word for “good for a fling.”)  For the long haul (that is, a candidate for fatherhood who is THERE FOR YOU), they will pick a man with low testosterone: a man who is steady, slow to rage and roar or go out for bungee jumps.  In picking sperm, of course, this is complicated, because the sperm have no testosterone.  The consumer must read between the lines and imagine the man who delivered it.  Usually when women meet a whole man, he might be wearing testosterone perfume to come across like a great shag, just the way women use perfume to seem sweet when they really aren’t.  When you shop for sperm, it’s buyer beware!  Oh, but I forgot.  No shag in it!  And no THERE FOR YOU either.

Purity Goggles (TM)

MOLLY:

Is it true that when men see a woman, they have uncontrollable impure thoughts?

DOLLOP:

Yes.  Impure thoughts have posed a problem for men since the beginning of time.  That is why the clothing of women is often really more than they need in order to shield them from the elements.  Do you think a fear of sunburn causes women to dress in a tent?  Or that pilgrim women found it convenient to work on a farm, carrying buckets, picking up children, washing pots and pans under a pump, outside in the mud, while wearing long skirts and petticoats, and vests, and jackets over the vests?  Women in India wear 8 feet of sari cloth, over a long petticoat, and all of it nearly touching a ground covered with holy cow manure, chicken droppings, human waste, and puddles mixed with open sewage.

If not for this problem of revealing too much skin, women might choose short skirts and loose blouses for most of the work day, and dress up in a tight red bra, thong underpants, a lace slip (or not), a tight body-hugging top, and a mini skirt or a long clingy skirt when they want to strut their stuff.  They might put on some strapless 4 inch heels too, unless they are dancing, and then they might add a strap.

Since men have made most of the rules in traditional societies, they decided to cover the women up, all day, and punish them if they didn’t cover up.    When a working man takes off his shirt, for example, they don’t call him a “slut.”  When a plumber crawls under a sink and his pants show a crack, people don’t jump him and rape him.  They don’t stone a Muslim man for showing his arms or face.

The Institute for Public Filth and Purity Initiatives, however, has invented a solution.  The Purity Goggles ™ will be issued especially to those populations that are worried about the uncontrollable impure thoughts of men.  In fact, the Institute has gotten significant funding to promote the product in order to alleviate the tensions and agitations among “strict” religious groups such as the Taliban, conservative sects, and religious institutions (for example, Catholic seminaries).  The Goggles filter out female flesh and substitute an androgynous Manga character for any woman in sight. 

I have a photograph of Peter without the glasses, looking at women and having impure thoughts, and a photograph of Peter with the glasses, calm and unperturbed.

Of course there are people who don’t feel that their urges are uncontrollable and depraved, and successfully avoid jumping or stoning women all the time.  They tend to like spicy food too.

So Many Wives, So Little Time!

MOLLY:

The paper said that Osama bin Laden has four wives.  Is it better to be the first wife or the last wife?

DOLLOP:

Molly, when you grow up you want to have a nice family that adores you and does nice things for you every day, like making you a snack, taking care of the house, being at home when somebody needs to wait for the plumber, and giving you a cozy bed at night.  Since you see that person a lot, you want them to be cute and sweet tempered.

When you start thinking about taking a husband, you will look for a nice boy who is cheerful, energetic, warm-blooded, and can learn to do those things around the house.  Now, after a few years, that boy may grow up and not look so cute, or get cranky, or, you just think he’s not as fresh as he used to be.  Then you want to get yourself another cute young boy.  The older one can take care of the hard things around the house, and especially take care of the children, while the new one walks around in his shorts and snuggles with you.

Having several husbands is like having a family that decides to have more than one child.  The parents say to themselves, “We liked the first one so much, we decided to get another one.”  Now, the first one is not too happy to hear it.  But they are able to tease and torment the new younger one, which takes away some of the pain of sharing.

Husbands, unlike children, are supposed to stay with you for life.  If you think they have gotten stinky, you can put them in another part of the house, or move them to live in a separate house.  You may have children with each of them, so everyone appreciates that.

The first boy you marry might be the one you remember for the first excitement of love, and the second, and third, and fourth boy you might favor for a while because they are delightful and much younger than you.  So I cannot say which husband will be the happiest.   They do have to share you no matter what.  People get used to things.  The Muslims and Mormons both like to live this way. 

Though, Molly, I hate to tell you, because you are a GIRL, you don’t get to be “a queen with a male harem.”  That’s going to have to be another life.  Only men get to have this fun.

You’ll want to try to be born again as a Mormon or a Muslim, and be sure to check “male” on the re-birth form.

Japan Appoints Minister for Uppity Women

MOLLY:

Dollop, I read that people in the new government in Japan think that women have “excessive equality.”  What are they going to do about it?

DOLLOP:

I happen to be privy to the inner sanctum of the Cabinet and I can tell you the whole story.

There is a national scandal in the proliferation of uppity women.  Women have been allowed to vote.  They are allowed to learn about sex.  They are not taking their husband’s name when they marry.  They are forgetting to wait up and serve a late snack to their salarymen husbands after 11 p.m.   They are not shopping for his favorite seaweed snacks.  You send them for coffee and they end up in Starbucks surfing the internet.  They go to pay a token visit to their husband’s Mamasan and the two women end up taking a trip to the hot springs in the mountains for weeks.  Or they disappear into Tokyo department stores, including the napping pods.

Of course this is a huge embarrassment to Japanese men as they like to look very proper.  No country wants the others to know that their women are Out Of Control.  Every salaryman’s sake bar is a testament to the shame and distress this is causing.  They cannot bear to go home and face the Attitude they are getting these days.

The new Premier Shinzo Abe said:  “Japan must be a country that shows leadership and that is respected and loved by the countries of the world. I want to make Japan a country that shows its identity to the world.”

The new Ministry for Uppity Women is introducing emergency measures to contain the excesses men are complaining about.

1.  Respected business men are asked to submit the names of Uppity Women to a National Uppity Registry.  This will make the Ministry look good in the short term.

2.  Any woman named in the Registry will be sent, all expenses paid, to one of a set of optional workshops for sensitivity training, for example, “Making Sure Your Male Peers Look Good,” “Sucking Up At All Times,” “Random Acts of Modest Service to the Glorious Men in Your Office,” and “Modulation of Demeanor: The Pride of Japanese Culture.”

3.  Traditional Geisha schools will be asked to break with tradition and allow for the admission of temporary residents whose terms will be decided by the Ministry.  The program will attempt to erase memories of business plans, marketing strategies, scientific experimental design, and international dual-use technology transfer, through exposure to a sequence of week-long seminars such as “Gazing at the Garden as a Path to Fulfillment,” “Posing Over Sushi: Looking Good by Not Eating,” “Ten Great Expressions of Nurture at the Sake Bar,” and “Is a Flower Arrangement Beautiful if No Man Sees It?”

4.  Companies will subsidize the sending of wives to mandatory cooking classes, including how to keep food warm to give the salaryman maximum flexibility in timing his arrival for dinner.

5.  For especially recalcitrant Uppities, the Ministry may require a series of 10-hour tea ceremonies in a remote location, with strict exams for graduation.

6.  Finally, taking a page from the USA’s great “repair” programs, they will invest $10 million in developing a 12 Step Program for “Letting Go of Independence.”

To bring itself up to speed, the Ministry will conduct an information exchange with the Mullahs in Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia to get caught up on the latest best practices for the Elimination of Women from Public Life.   Some of the proven strategies include taking away all property rights, denying jobs that entail a public appearance of any kind, and forced arranged marriage for the unwed (especially the very young and unwed).

Some equality is fine, but *too much* equality is very bad.  The Japanese do not like excessive anything except sake and cherry blossoms.  Excessive Equality leads down the slippery slope to Irrational Exuberance, not to mention Fervent Fascism, and Rabid Nationalism.  The Minister promises to bring back a Good Life, the Japanese way.

The Promise of Soldier Grannies

MOLLY:

I heard that my country is invading another country to show them who’s boss.  Will they be drafting me to go fight?

DOLLOP:

Although the general feeling is that little girls are particularly delectable as cannon fodder, it is not likely because your society has found a better solution and wants to save you for beauty contests.

Recruiters have long been in a quandary as to how to “sell” the idea of fighting for your country especially when you are not defending it, really, but rather building wealth and power for mostly rich people.  I mean, who wants to die for bigger golf courses and more varieties of coffee drinks?  Some people don’t believe that we deserve nicer mega-malls and mega-churches at the expense of killing thousands of foreigners somewhere, wherever they tend to live.   Plus we want to be free to keep the minimum wage low, and these freedoms cost.

Traditionally, young men are the preferred cannon fodder.  Traditionally, you get men to sign up for the good deal of getting free food and clothing and a few classes.  It is true that the idea of patriotism works for many, but sometimes they just wish they could move out of their mom’s house and hang out with other guys, for free.  Now in a sloppy or truly misbegotten war, you have a situation where being cannon fodder means you will be “used up,” i.e., dead when you finish.  Honest important rich white men do make mistakes and sometimes the “woops” factor is big.  You can find yourself in a pile of bodies in no time.  Unanticipated resistance from the attackees.   For example, women blowing themselves up instead of flirting and giving you a latte.  Ouch. 

There was a big fight about letting girls go to war.  At first, people thought girls should serve donuts and dress nice, improving the morale of the troops who can’t have a shower and have to duck bullets all the time.  Once in a while girls were given actual weapons and allowed to do some killing on their own.  It was thought that women don’t have the gene for killing but they found out otherwise.  Some girls even had the gene for torture.  This discovery gave new meaning to the motto of World War II for women: You Can Do It.

Oriental movies helped glamorize girls in armor.  They show Ninja girls who by day arrange flowers and tip-toe around in silk kimonos and at night jump on roof tops and humiliate brutal and slow men.  Yes, that is romantic, but just a movie.  Of course, if the heroine spars with a good looking smart man, then that is foreplay and that is more credible.  From a girl’s perspective, of course, this means that not only do you have to learn all the arts (music, dancing, singing, calligraphy, gardening, cooking, flower arranging, serving tea, posing under cherry blossoms) you have to kick major ass too, by which I mean use swords to cut up several men at a time, in order to really look good and get a good-looking husband.

Thanks to a movement in the U.S., some grandmothers figured out that instead of making young men into cannon fodder, we needed to rethink this traditional approach, in light of demographic trends.  There are more senior women than men.  Some would say an excess.  There are a number of social problems related to this phenomenon:  They are old.  They live a long time.  They don’t look so good.  They need pensions and social security benefits for many years.   They spend their time gardening, painting in watercolors, and making crafts.  They knit pot-holders, when nobody cooks anymore.  They are generally free from work and family responsibilities.  They take water aerobics.  They need to supplement their inadequate pensions.

A group of grandmas approached the men running Wartime Recruiting Office and said:  “How about it?”  In fact, the Elder Hostel program got involved too and offered to run the boot camps.   Of course in addition to training seniors on how to load a gun, they had to throw in a few enrichment classes on the Archaeology of Early Roman England and the Gardens of Provence.  They knew that with this soldier candidate, they needed to allow for lots of bathroom breaks.  And maybe supply adult field diapers.

The group of grandmas, also known as The Band of Old Girls and the Granny Peace Brigade, held a sit-in to persuade the recruiters.  It worked.  Masses of people joined in the demonstration, bringing walkers for them, extra shopping bags to carry photos of grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and skinny lattes.  Everyone wore sensible shoes.

They talked military strategy, and how technology has changed the nature of war. Weapons of mass destruction came up.  Some thought that countries in the Evil Axis had gone too far in processing uranium allegedly for peacetime uses, and others thought that letting citizens in those countries grow up was a good idea.  The conundrum of technology transfer and reciprocal agreements, especially regarding dual use technologies, was discussed by a number of speakers.

If somebody had to patrol dangerous neighborhoods in an alien land, it might as well be them.  Who else was secure in knocking on doors and asking people if they were hiding something?  Soldier Grannies would not put up with rowdy rock-throwing young men, and they would shoot them if they didn’t stop.

Driving in the desert or vast war fields can’t be too hard; no traffic, no intersections, and no parallel parking.  A straight shot: hauling supplies, getting tanks into place, hummers lined up.  After decades of putting on make-up, camouflage had to be second nature.  No training needed there.  They certainly knew how to pack a backpack, including some sweet-smelling sashays and putting socks and snacks in baggies, having done the family packing for decades.

The issue most disturbing to the Wartime Recruiting Office was the potential for insubordination.  You can just picture a big male officer telling a couple hundred Grannies to muster, and them saying: “I don’t think so” or “just a minute.”  The WRO decided they would need to create a special cadre of ombuds-grannies to tend to hurt feelings and tricky negotiations, and, just in case, a cadre of snitches.  Withholding comfort pants became a standard military disciplinary action.  It was also ruled that it was a privilege to use walkers (especially wheelie walkers with shock-absorbers, adjustable height, built-in seats, and handle brakes) during marches, and that privilege could be withdrawn.

The Axis of Evil countries are going to have a hard time fighting this force.  For one thing, people in the other countries are very serious about respecting the elderly, and facing grannies will surely bring them to their knees.  There will be fewer “guy shenanigans” between soldiers – “you shoot over my head and I’ll shoot over yours.” 

So, Molly, your place in the army is taken.  The job of international aggression, revenge, exploitation, oppression, torture, colonization, rescue, “correction,” and general meddling is being left to a sector of society most suited for this occupation (and its notoriously low pay!).   We will cut down on the number of Veterans of Foreign Wars because we will cut down on Foreign Wars, not to mention Veterans.  This will save the country money.

Grannies will get new respect as returning heros.  They will have no trouble fitting into their uniforms for patriotic gatherings and weddings.  Their ample chests will increasingly bear arrays of medals for bravery.  They will embrace the conquered.  Go Soldier Granny!

The Race to Obesity, and Skinny Models

MOLLY:

Dollop, I read that they are going to ban models who are too skinny.  What is too skinny?

DOLLOP:

Skinny is size 0.  What is behind the attempt to push skinny girls off the fashion runways is America’s Race to Obesity.  This is not a well-known movement.  There are people who have a lot invested in futures of the oil market.  That is, Corn Oil.  And sugar, salt, and Crispy Crème donuts.   They have infiltrated the government.  You will see that school lunches were designed to plant those hungry little fat cells in the bodies of little children so that when they are faced with a choice between a donut and some baby spinach, you know what they’ll scarf.

How do you think E coli bacteria got into spinach?  Spinach was getting too popular.  People were eating spinach every day.  They started to crave cute little baby spinach, pre-washed, in fun arrangements with baby carrots and snow peas.  The DIP Industry really thrived by producing flowery exotic pink dressings in beautiful bottles that you could dab on your baby spinach.  How did the Race to Obesity foil that?  They put “caca” in it.  (Not the same as George Allen’s “macaca” but we’ll never know for sure…)   There is no faster way to put off fastidious Princesses than to tell them they are eating shit.

Now they’ll have to go back to potato chips.  You need dips with those too, so the DIP Industry happy.  They are adding sour cream to improve the flavor combo.

Many of our other industries, in happy capitalist America, are secretly (what do we know?) supportive of the Race to Obesity.    People need bigger clothes.  They tend to start with “skinny” clothes and then graduate to “fat” clothes, and keep buying the “skinny” clothes dreaming of their tinier selves.  This requires more cloth and bigger closets.  Big chairs and sofas.  Cars.  People buy more food, eat lots.   Medical services have TONS more work.  They built extra-wide wheel chairs and stretchers, and stopped making everybody wear a little wash cloth on their private parts for modesty.  They are making bigger paper robes.  America has always been known for Expansion.

The personal training industry is shifting to new seminar programs, for example, “Fat: What’s Wrong With It?”  or, “Big and Beautiful, Got a Problem With That?,”  and “Re-building Your Life Around Fat.”   My personal favorite is “Love Me, Love My Super Size.”  (I would like a seminar on feathers, too.)

The fashion industry was trending toward super skinny because they would really rather have walking robot-manikins, but nobody’s invented good ones yet.  They already trained the girls and boys to stop smiling so that they don’t distract from the clothes.   You get people to sit up and pay attention when the model looks like she is going to faint and maybe die any minute.  Then there is the magic of watching self-starvation.

Well, all this was making the majority of America look bad.  We don’t want the collective esteem to suffer.  People are flopped on their over-size couches watching over-size TV screens, eating over-size portions of buffalo wings and giant Ho-Hoes brought home in industrial cartons from Costco.  The last thing they want to see is a skinny, gorgeous girl flipping her hair and nearly dancing when she walks.  The word got out.

The Godmother of the Race to Obesity, who had already killed off baby spinach, was now going to see that these skinny girls end up in unemployment lines, eating cheap fast food.  In fact, some mean fatties were seeking them out when they were in line, and giving them free milkshakes with the legend “Just Say No To Lettuce and Diet Soda!”  When the skinnies went for job interviews, the interviewer would test their ability to be “team players” by offering them giant chocolate chip cookies in front of all of the (fat) employed people.  They would hold open houses for skinny ex-models and serve chocolate cake with double whipped frosting and caramel frappacinos.

TV stations introduced new shows.  Instead of “The Biggest Loser” they showed “Stuffing for America,” a secret fund-raiser for the Race.   There are new physical training videos that show, for example, how to put your shoes on when you can’t reach your feet, how to get your arms into the sleeves of a shirt when you cannot reach behind you, how to get up out of bed by rolling to the edge, and how to avoid breaking furniture.   There is a service that will train monkeys and dogs to help the Fat navigate everyday motion. There is a reality show “Swap Diets” between fatties and skinnies, and everybody cries a LOT. 

The industry knows that setting a clothing size standard won’t work.  Remember that “size 8” is the old size 12, and who helped that along??   They talked about using the body mass index, with 18 as the allowable thin.  But most models are between 14 and 18.  Their union proposed 14.9987654321.  But Godmother a.k.a. BIG Momma, nixed it.  She was thinking 35. 

In fact, BIG Momma personally issued a new fashion line that she claimed was “refreshing, new, original” and “a knockout” but a few people have figured out that it is derivative of two major, little appreciated  designers that are very popular in some parts of the world, the unrecognized teams who gave us the Hawaiian muumuu and the Muslim burka.  It just isn’t fair.  She is, however, having trouble finding fat models who can walk all the way down the runway without crying.

As I was saying to Trollop and Chickie, “it’s the oil, stupid.”

Mrs. Mantis, Please Don’t Bite My Head Off!

MOLLY:

I heard there is an expression about “the kiss of death.”  Is there really a Kiss of Death?

DOLLOP:

If you are a praying mantis, there is.  Female manti have completely lost their sense of humor and ability to flirt.  If a male mantis gives them just one kiss, they bite his head off, and if they are the slightest hungry, they eat the rest of him, except for the wings, which everybody knows are too fatty.  You’ll notice that female praying manti are very tall and skinny.  You don’t see any with love handles and big bums.  Of course sometimes they cannot resist nibbling a little on the wings.

When the boys are growing into manhood, instead of a bar mitzvah, they go to “kissing boot camp.”  They learn the facts of life:  your shot at a Kiss could be your last.  In fact their training in courtship takes a page or several from martial arts:  how to approach from behind, quietly; how to jump; how to pucker so that the female thinks you are just saying “hi;” how to keep your exit route open and watch for those long skinny legs that you can trip on, if you need to get away fast.  They say that Tai Chi is the basis for many of the moves, as they are slow and graceful. 

They practice by jumping cockroaches.  The roaches really hate this and are starting academies for kick boxing.  In fact, one group of roaches started a public awareness campaign: “The Jumping From Behind Must Stop!”  Another group decided retaliation was the best course.  They roam around in gangs and when they come on a boy mantis, they jump him and yell “How do YOU like it? Huh?”  There are rallies where roaches get together and run around carrying signs:  “Stop the Bugging, You Freaks!”  They have no sympathy for the male manti who just can’t deal with their women.  Yet another group encouraged the male manti to try mediation and negotiation with the females.  The cockroaches got some males and females into a workshop to talk about “Murder Is Not The Answer,” but the girls just waved their spindly long arms at the boys and taunted them: “Kissy, kissy, you big hunk.”

On an interview with FrontLine, a female praying mantis, pressed on why this morbid practice persists, said: “I just can’t help myself.  It seems so natural.  I think God meant for things to be this way.  There must be a deep reason or mystery behind it.”  The interviewer asked, “Have any manti explored the reasons, through meditation, or research, or just plain guessing?”  And she replied, “Well we don’t have any celibate males to help us out here.  They are all dead.  Go figure.”   Then she added, “The women are so busy having and raising babies that we cannot worry about the men.  Have you tried to find affordable day care so you can pursue a career in science?  The men just AREN’T THERE to help.”

Now, religious conservatives have tried to help the males by pitching Abstinence Programs to them.  They say, “Kissing is serious business.  Trust us, you will get murdered if you have sex.  There is no such thing as losing your virginity and living to tell the tale.”   They have tried to get the male manti to agree on “designated procreators,” that is, letting a few sacrifice for the many.  They are meeting a lot of resistance, because a lot of the boys just go off and steal a kiss anyway, thinking their kiss will be different, and there you go again.  And the other boys make fun of the “designated procreators,” calling them “suicide suckers.” 

An Islamic group has tried to recruit “suicide kissers” by promising them a bunch of females in heaven who don’t bite.  But nobody believes that story.

Some of the older and wiser females have argued that it might not be a bad idea to have a few men around to help with the babies, and that getting rid of them so fast is rather harsh.  They have put together workshops on “Boundary Issues:  Separating Sex and Hunger.”  They suggest having a few snacks before the female goes out, so that if she has some kissing fun, she leaves a few men to Kiss Another Day.  They have a program called “Kiss and Abstain from Biting His Head Off.”  But there has been a backlash from other female manti whose message is “Biting is Half of The Fun.”  Also, they argue that males are a major source of food and they don’t have time to raise organic vegetables.

Molly, I don’t know if we are going to find a happy resolution to the Kiss of Death in our lifetime.  People find it hard to give up Murder in the Name of Love.  The short brutal life of a male mantis is lamentable.   The ladies just can’t stop using them and losing them.  It is going to take the Coming of the Enlightened Lady to stop the murder and bring back a little R-E-S-PE-C-T.

Saudi women Get a Divorce and Move Out

MOLLY:
I heard that Saudi women are not going to be allowed to go to Mecca.  Where will they go instead?

DOLLOP:

The Saudi men did not realize that the women cared so much about this.  They were just thinking about how crowded it was getting in Mecca, the most holy place of the Muslim world, and how you could not see the white marble for all the black-tented women all over the place.

The Saudis already ban women from driving, and make sure that a male guardian takes them to school, to any job, to travel, or to stay in a hotel.  This is meant to protect women from the rampant, raging lust of Saudi men which is uncontrollable except by another man.  Pills have not worked.

Because the men are thinking about women ALL OF THE TIME, the first thing they thought of when Mecca got crowded was:  “Women!”  They really wish all of the women were VIRGINS IN HEAVEN and that they would stay there.

Well, the women got a divorce and they are moving out, en masse.  (That means big batches.)   They said:  “We’ve had it with your lust!  And the virgin thing!  Go ____ yourselves!”   Well, as it turns out, that is exactly what the men were doing but I will not elaborate.  That’s why they really had not bonded with the women very well.

The women are using family fortunes to buy up islands in the South Seas, where you don’t have to do much to eat, and you certainly don’t have to drive around shopping because you don’t really need a bunch of clothes.  They are taking the yachts and the household goods with them.  And the jets.  They plan to keep going to Europe for the nightlife and shopping, and occasional spa visits.  Of course they can afford to import delicacies such as baby quail, truffles, French pastries, and fine wine.

They are also taking the eunuchs who tend the harem with them too.  Do you know what eunuchs are?  They are men who have had the lust taken out of them.  It is a special thing, and makes them very helpful to women.  Plus they are not too happy with the other men after this special ceremony either, so they are looking forward to the trip to the South Seas too.

This means it has taken Islam 1400 years to finally arrive at the perfect society, where living women have been eliminated.  A lot of imams are really thrilled about this historical milestone.  The topic of women was taking up ALL THEIR LECTURES and it was like a finger in the Dike Holding Back Lust.

Now a few men are saying: “Hey, wait a minute.  Who’s going to cook?”  But then they remembered that they can get poor people (men) from other countries like China or South America to come and be their bitches.

You might ask, what about the babies?  Well the girl babies are all leaving, and the boy babies are not so sure about being burped by male bitches.  The Saudi officials have realized that there will be no more babies, after the women leave, so the problem really goes away, just like the crowding in Mecca.

They have not thought through one serious impact: no more babies means no more people, eventually.  The perfect Islamic society in history will last only as long as the youngest men stay alive. 

The women, meanwhile, are thinking of importing egalitarian Scandinavians to their South Sea paradise to keep them company.  They are thinking about a new religion too, since the Koran has been such a pain for them.  It really is a brave new world.  Then future generations might repopulate Saudi Arabia bringing back a different “civilization.”  This new civilization will surely include a lot of tan surfers, male and female, though, looking very much like California, so they may need to make up some new rules.

South Sea Islanders are very glad to see their economy get a boost from all the independent wealth coming in, not to mention pale women jumping in the surf to enjoy their new freedom, some of them forgetting about any clothes at all after those black tents they used to wear.  And the virginity thing too.

To Score or Not to Score: the Taliban Tally

MOLLY:

A man came to our classroom with a measuring tape.  He measured the distance between the rows of desks.  He said we were doing very well.  Why are we doing very well?

DOLLOP:

Some people like to use numbers to decide whether something is good or not.  For example, the man could have asked you:  “How are you doing?”  But he preferred to arrive at the answer his own way.

For example, many people decide whether girls and women everywhere in the world are doing well by using the U.N. Gender Empowerment Measure.   It counts how much money girls get, whether they are allowed to work, and whether they are allowed to vote.  Some people also count how long girls go to school.   The richest countries are ones that give girls the most.  So try to live in a rich country, Molly, because it makes a difference.

Now, some countries are not very interested in having women in their streets, let alone take up great jobs that many eager men would like, such as sweeping the streets.  In fact these countries have a different idea of success.  Because they are proud and feeling competitive in the global market for oppressing and exploiting women, they developed a secret “Taliban Tally.”

You have to understand that it took quite a bit of intelligence work on the part of Trollop and Chickie to get this information.  They had to disguise themselves as al Queda brutes and infiltrate the highest echelons of madrasas to find even one piece of paper, let alone one that was readable, and then it was in Arabic and had smudges from greasy lamb kabobs all over it!

Here’s what counts, and the winners get an all-expenses-paid ticket to Suicide Bomber’s Camp which is the final step before hooking up with 72 virgins (female, go figure) in heaven:

PLUS points to a town or tribe for:
• The number of men with child brides at their disposal
• Extra points for each extra wife
• Extra points for the bride’s age younger than 16
• Extra points for virgins
• The number of straying or misbehaving women buried and stoned to death
• The amount of public humiliation inflicted before they are stoned to death
• Beatings of women that are kept well out of public awareness
• No bicycles for anybody

MINUS points for:
• The number of women in public
• Any woman in public not completely covered in a burqa
• Any woman employed or taking money for anything in public
• Any girls in school
• The existence of any schools that allow girls to attend
• More minus points for higher grades
• Any health centers for women
• More minus points for assistance with child birth or “female problems”
• Big minus for any woman with a college degree
• Any pictures of local women in the Western press
• Any publications by local women in anybody’s press
• Women * driving * cars
• Women voting
• Any bride who was not a virgin (and still alive)

Some towns and tribes have resorted to bombing schools and health centers serving women in order to improve their scores.

Clearly behind the Taliban Tally is an extreme fondness for and longing for women, as evidenced by the willingness to make the ultimate sacrifice for the * MERE PROMISE * of 72 virgins without any guarantee or evidence of this reward actually getting delivered, and that the full number will be delivered!  Trollop and Chickie asked many times to count the virgins, and all they were shown were a big bunch of black burqas in a back room.  Well, everybody knows there are a bunch of black burqas in the back room.  Anyway, there weren’t 72.  And they weren’t in heaven.

The reality of having dark, pale, depressed and sickly women cowering in the dark back rooms of homes does not diminish this fondness, apparently.    Clearly, daily life is not listening to The Sound of Music and watching happy Heidi’s singing on Alpine slopes, while wearing short skirts.  Nor is it watching The Postman Always Rings Twice reruns.

Of course Muslims and the Taliban did not invent the fascination for A LARGE NUMBER of VIRGINS, SOMEWHERE.  I don’t want to get into “who invented the idea first.”  The notion of many, many virgins is also a concept of great fascination among Catholics.  The Christian Saint Ursula was a British virgin promised to a French Gaul and had to sail across the English Channel.  She took with her 11 thousand “virginal handmaidens,” or “vestial virgins.”  In the course of her adventure the whole lot fell into the hands of Huns who beheaded the virgins.   (Stoning was not popular with them.)  Thus the story is called the passion of the virgin martyrs.  There are disputes that the original number was really “11” and got mistranslated into “11 thousand,” and we can only speculate that this inflation occurred in a monastery.

What is “vestial” about them?  That’s from an ancient Roman tradition of having virgins sacrifice their fertile years to guard the eternal flame of the Goddess Vesta, a symbol of Rome’s regeneration and well-being.  They were upper-class girls, and gave up 30 years of their youth for the cause.  In return they got good seats at the movies.  If a girl broke her chastity, she would be buried alive.  So you could say that the Romans pretty much own the idea as well as modern Muslims – the idea that you should lock up some prime babes and kill them if they get dirty.

Now in order to recruit more Female suicide bombers, there have been attempts to hype the concept of 72 virgin BOYS.  Somehow the idea is not catching on.  Many resist the picture of one virgin girl and a bunch of virgin boys anywhere near heaven.  Plus, girls are picky and what if they had watched The Bachelorette and really just teased the boys.  Heaven would seem a lot smaller, and too much like high school, and we can’t have that.

There is a case of a secret Women’s Anti-Taliban Society that kidnaps boys and beats them for any signs of lust, or, basically, for anything.  They are made to sit in a corner and if they want anything – to read a book, go outside, get a job, or sing, they are stoned.  And they must wear black sheets.   This is called “sensitivity training.”  It has not proven very effective.   Once the boys are released, they tend to regress and blabber about LARGE NUMBERS OF VIRGINS, SOMEWHERE.

That is all to say that scoring on the Taliban Tally is a serious business, for certain Muslim boys.  Once they learn Management by Objectives and get a few other countries to play, they can give out awards for Achievement in the Elimination of Women.

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Sexist Pedophile Priests

MOLLY:

Lacy says I need to go to church because there are a lot of boys there, dressed up in robes.  By the way, why can’t a woman be a Catholic priest?

DOLLOP:

Molly, Christianity arose in secrecy in ancient times.  The Romans did not like Christians and fed them to lions and tigers so it was dangerous to be known as a Christian. They had to learn to keep a lot of things in the catacombs.

One of the secrets is that they did not want women to be priests because women would interfere with male energy and the intensification of male spirituality.  Like the ancient Hindu yogis, the early Catholics think that being celibate – can you spell “C E L I B A T E “? – transforms male energy from sex into spirit.  In fact the Hindus thought that every time a male “lost his seed” he would diminish his spiritual potential. 

The upshot is that they had to stay away from women.  The Catholics had the women most close to them – nuns – wear robes much like the burqa of the Muslims.  You can get a peek of a woman’s face and that’s it.   That is supposed to work, in helping men “deny the body.”  That fact that it stimulates the imagination, which is a person’s largest sexual organ, was a blooper.

Plus they did not want women around to talk.  If you are doing secret ceremonies in the catacombs, the fewer “in communion” the better.  In fact, if women tried to muscle their way into the priesthood by claiming to be ordained, they were excommunicated as heretics.  Some people kept the women out of “higher spiritual authority” by calling them witches and burning them, but that’s another story.  Witches go overboard with candles and costumes, and singing, and setting up little altars with precious knick-knacks.  Worse than that, they stop paying attention to their chores at home, and hold hands with other witches.

Well, thanks to the primitive hoards of the likes of Genghis Khan and their wild woolly ways, certain practices from the East probably migrated into these catacomb scenarios.   You know, secret societies will make things up and take off with ideas. 

I think the idea they took off with was tantric Buddhism but they would never admit it.  Basically, a radical minority decided that “losing seed” was EXACTLY the way to the holy spirit, and losing it with innocent children was the optimal path.  They of course did not tell the CELIBATES about this alternative path, because a) there might not be enough boys to go around and b) there would have to be a lot of explaining to do.

So you have gay priests hiding among the celibates, and everybody is feeling ecclesiastical.  And the women are covered up, thank God.  They are singing in high pitched voices and keeping their minds off what the men might be doing.  Except in the case of some errant missionaries in Africa, who did not get the memo about boys, and took after the nuns.  The nuns were forced to take The Pill, and even get abortions, which is of course contrary to Church law too, but hey, the Heretical Slope is slippery.  The nuns were “safe” sexual partners at a time when AIDS was prevalent in Africa.  But wait, aren’t women not “safe” for a priest, ever?  Sex wasn’t supposed to be “safe” for a priest.  Oh well, I guess they missed a LOT of memos out in Africa.

Never mind about Africa and missionaries.  That is VERY confusing!

There are 110,000 Catholic priests in the U.S.   Four percent, or 4,500 to be exact, took up this “tantric” practice.  They took it up between 1950 to 2002, which is MUCH later than the mongol hoards and Genghis Khan were trafficking wild ideas.  I am not sure how this happened.  Maybe somebody had a time machine.

Anyway, they were inviting boys into the church so they would meet a lot of them.  About 11,000, mostly teens, during that time.  If they made a mistake and loved the boy too much, then the Church fathers moved the priest to another parish.  That meant everybody had to pray a lot more and start all over again.

Since Catholics are against gay marriage, they did not want to appear to be implying that gay “activity” should be sanctified by marriage.  It should be sanctified by the Bishop, in secret, and forgiven, if he was supposed to be a CELIBATE, but protected and hidden if he was a “tantric.”  Marriage, allegedly the only sanctioned and holy arrangement for sex, was just different.  Married people are not as holy as priests, and they need the construct of marriage to preserve holiness.

The Vatican decided that it needed to clear things up and asked new priests to declare whether they were CELIBATE or GAY, up front.  Of course, no one had really been honest about either before, so they decided everybody outside the priesthood should JUST SHUT UP, and GO TO HELL.   They all have to say CELIBATE because that is the magic word to get in.  Allowing married priests and women is OUT OF THE QUESTION, and the non-priests could just go on having sex without remorse (mostly) and stay out of the catacombs.  No silk robes and cool hats for them!

Someone suggested that women were far less likely to go “tantric” than men, and therefore the Church should switch their recruitment of priests to this population.  An Archdiocese spokesperson kindly pointed out to the lay that dwelling on this issue was quite insensitive, and the Devil was probably behind the publicity, and people making fun of priests will GO TO HELL.  Oh, and NO WOMEN in robes or catacombs.  That is a sin.

The shortage of new priests is posing new kinds of problems.  There are fewer to consider whether to allow communion to divorced Catholics who remarry without an annulment, and there are increasing numbers of more divorced Catholics who remarry without an annulment, and WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?    Also, the backlog of souls needing to be cleansed cannot be contracted out.

All this behavior is in such contrast with that of regular lay Catholics, some of whom confess every time they have sex outside of marriage.  Indeed, the lay people add to the pressures on priests, needing all this cleansing, since sex outside of marriage is also WAY OUT OF HAND.  Some sensitivity and consideration on the part of sinners would be appropriate.

The revelations about tantric practices has resulted in a great deal of remorse all around.   Just as all sins must be carefully classified and memorized, all the types and degrees of abuse suffered at the hands of priests must be classified and memorized, and allocated monetary values.  This has led to remorse on the part of victims who settled with the Church too early, thus losing out on the Remorse Epidemic and escalating expectations for compensation.  Rather than tending to their flocks, and the significant real estate that holy business takes, not to mention budgets for frocks and marble chapels, the clergy must tend to insurance policies and payout schedules.  This is of course a preoccupation that takes special skills, and unemployed accountants from Enron are helping out.    Both bankruptcy courts and confessionals have been overloaded after the discovery of these practices.  The ultimate goals, of course, are “peace and healing,” and salvation for all souls involved.

The Boy Scouts were also infiltrated by Genghis Khan.  The Boy Scout leaders, wanting to be like priests, fell in love with boys, occasionally.  But mostly it was forbidden.  Boy Scouts were supposed to be learning knots and how to eat bark to survive, navigating by the stars, lashing a latrine, and occasionally skinny dipping.

The boys, of course, are in church because their mom made them go.

Girls are not as welcome in the Higher Church because in history, women have been known to become witches, as I mentioned.   Also, these same priests really feel disgusted when girl witches hang out with other girl witches.  They wish the girls would keep that stuff in their own catacombs.  Also, they don’t want witches, I mean women, cleaning their stuff, and kissing it.  This gives the CELIBATES urges to go out and drive a big pickup truck or burp or crush a beer can in their hand.  That would be very inappropriate, in a church.  Of course we could have the priests wear blindfolds so they cannot see the women, but then they could not see the boys either.  It is a conundrum.

Enough about spirituality!