MOLLY:
I heard there is an expression about “the kiss of death.” Is there really a Kiss of Death?
DOLLOP:
If you are a praying mantis, there is. Female manti have completely lost their sense of humor and ability to flirt. If a male mantis gives them just one kiss, they bite his head off, and if they are the slightest hungry, they eat the rest of him, except for the wings, which everybody knows are too fatty. You’ll notice that female praying manti are very tall and skinny. You don’t see any with love handles and big bums. Of course sometimes they cannot resist nibbling a little on the wings.
When the boys are growing into manhood, instead of a bar mitzvah, they go to “kissing boot camp.” They learn the facts of life: your shot at a Kiss could be your last. In fact their training in courtship takes a page or several from martial arts: how to approach from behind, quietly; how to jump; how to pucker so that the female thinks you are just saying “hi;” how to keep your exit route open and watch for those long skinny legs that you can trip on, if you need to get away fast. They say that Tai Chi is the basis for many of the moves, as they are slow and graceful.
They practice by jumping cockroaches. The roaches really hate this and are starting academies for kick boxing. In fact, one group of roaches started a public awareness campaign: “The Jumping From Behind Must Stop!” Another group decided retaliation was the best course. They roam around in gangs and when they come on a boy mantis, they jump him and yell “How do YOU like it? Huh?” There are rallies where roaches get together and run around carrying signs: “Stop the Bugging, You Freaks!” They have no sympathy for the male manti who just can’t deal with their women. Yet another group encouraged the male manti to try mediation and negotiation with the females. The cockroaches got some males and females into a workshop to talk about “Murder Is Not The Answer,” but the girls just waved their spindly long arms at the boys and taunted them: “Kissy, kissy, you big hunk.”
On an interview with FrontLine, a female praying mantis, pressed on why this morbid practice persists, said: “I just can’t help myself. It seems so natural. I think God meant for things to be this way. There must be a deep reason or mystery behind it.” The interviewer asked, “Have any manti explored the reasons, through meditation, or research, or just plain guessing?” And she replied, “Well we don’t have any celibate males to help us out here. They are all dead. Go figure.” Then she added, “The women are so busy having and raising babies that we cannot worry about the men. Have you tried to find affordable day care so you can pursue a career in science? The men just AREN’T THERE to help.”
Now, religious conservatives have tried to help the males by pitching Abstinence Programs to them. They say, “Kissing is serious business. Trust us, you will get murdered if you have sex. There is no such thing as losing your virginity and living to tell the tale.” They have tried to get the male manti to agree on “designated procreators,” that is, letting a few sacrifice for the many. They are meeting a lot of resistance, because a lot of the boys just go off and steal a kiss anyway, thinking their kiss will be different, and there you go again. And the other boys make fun of the “designated procreators,” calling them “suicide suckers.”
An Islamic group has tried to recruit “suicide kissers” by promising them a bunch of females in heaven who don’t bite. But nobody believes that story.
Some of the older and wiser females have argued that it might not be a bad idea to have a few men around to help with the babies, and that getting rid of them so fast is rather harsh. They have put together workshops on “Boundary Issues: Separating Sex and Hunger.” They suggest having a few snacks before the female goes out, so that if she has some kissing fun, she leaves a few men to Kiss Another Day. They have a program called “Kiss and Abstain from Biting His Head Off.” But there has been a backlash from other female manti whose message is “Biting is Half of The Fun.” Also, they argue that males are a major source of food and they don’t have time to raise organic vegetables.
Molly, I don’t know if we are going to find a happy resolution to the Kiss of Death in our lifetime. People find it hard to give up Murder in the Name of Love. The short brutal life of a male mantis is lamentable. The ladies just can’t stop using them and losing them. It is going to take the Coming of the Enlightened Lady to stop the murder and bring back a little R-E-S-PE-C-T.
