MOLLY:
I heard that my country is invading another country to show them who’s boss. Will they be drafting me to go fight?
DOLLOP:
Although the general feeling is that little girls are particularly delectable as cannon fodder, it is not likely because your society has found a better solution and wants to save you for beauty contests.
Recruiters have long been in a quandary as to how to “sell” the idea of fighting for your country especially when you are not defending it, really, but rather building wealth and power for mostly rich people. I mean, who wants to die for bigger golf courses and more varieties of coffee drinks? Some people don’t believe that we deserve nicer mega-malls and mega-churches at the expense of killing thousands of foreigners somewhere, wherever they tend to live. Plus we want to be free to keep the minimum wage low, and these freedoms cost.
Traditionally, young men are the preferred cannon fodder. Traditionally, you get men to sign up for the good deal of getting free food and clothing and a few classes. It is true that the idea of patriotism works for many, but sometimes they just wish they could move out of their mom’s house and hang out with other guys, for free. Now in a sloppy or truly misbegotten war, you have a situation where being cannon fodder means you will be “used up,” i.e., dead when you finish. Honest important rich white men do make mistakes and sometimes the “woops” factor is big. You can find yourself in a pile of bodies in no time. Unanticipated resistance from the attackees. For example, women blowing themselves up instead of flirting and giving you a latte. Ouch.
There was a big fight about letting girls go to war. At first, people thought girls should serve donuts and dress nice, improving the morale of the troops who can’t have a shower and have to duck bullets all the time. Once in a while girls were given actual weapons and allowed to do some killing on their own. It was thought that women don’t have the gene for killing but they found out otherwise. Some girls even had the gene for torture. This discovery gave new meaning to the motto of World War II for women: You Can Do It.
Oriental movies helped glamorize girls in armor. They show Ninja girls who by day arrange flowers and tip-toe around in silk kimonos and at night jump on roof tops and humiliate brutal and slow men. Yes, that is romantic, but just a movie. Of course, if the heroine spars with a good looking smart man, then that is foreplay and that is more credible. From a girl’s perspective, of course, this means that not only do you have to learn all the arts (music, dancing, singing, calligraphy, gardening, cooking, flower arranging, serving tea, posing under cherry blossoms) you have to kick major ass too, by which I mean use swords to cut up several men at a time, in order to really look good and get a good-looking husband.
Thanks to a movement in the U.S., some grandmothers figured out that instead of making young men into cannon fodder, we needed to rethink this traditional approach, in light of demographic trends. There are more senior women than men. Some would say an excess. There are a number of social problems related to this phenomenon: They are old. They live a long time. They don’t look so good. They need pensions and social security benefits for many years. They spend their time gardening, painting in watercolors, and making crafts. They knit pot-holders, when nobody cooks anymore. They are generally free from work and family responsibilities. They take water aerobics. They need to supplement their inadequate pensions.
A group of grandmas approached the men running Wartime Recruiting Office and said: “How about it?” In fact, the Elder Hostel program got involved too and offered to run the boot camps. Of course in addition to training seniors on how to load a gun, they had to throw in a few enrichment classes on the Archaeology of Early Roman England and the Gardens of Provence. They knew that with this soldier candidate, they needed to allow for lots of bathroom breaks. And maybe supply adult field diapers.
The group of grandmas, also known as The Band of Old Girls and the Granny Peace Brigade, held a sit-in to persuade the recruiters. It worked. Masses of people joined in the demonstration, bringing walkers for them, extra shopping bags to carry photos of grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and skinny lattes. Everyone wore sensible shoes.
They talked military strategy, and how technology has changed the nature of war. Weapons of mass destruction came up. Some thought that countries in the Evil Axis had gone too far in processing uranium allegedly for peacetime uses, and others thought that letting citizens in those countries grow up was a good idea. The conundrum of technology transfer and reciprocal agreements, especially regarding dual use technologies, was discussed by a number of speakers.
If somebody had to patrol dangerous neighborhoods in an alien land, it might as well be them. Who else was secure in knocking on doors and asking people if they were hiding something? Soldier Grannies would not put up with rowdy rock-throwing young men, and they would shoot them if they didn’t stop.
Driving in the desert or vast war fields can’t be too hard; no traffic, no intersections, and no parallel parking. A straight shot: hauling supplies, getting tanks into place, hummers lined up. After decades of putting on make-up, camouflage had to be second nature. No training needed there. They certainly knew how to pack a backpack, including some sweet-smelling sashays and putting socks and snacks in baggies, having done the family packing for decades.
The issue most disturbing to the Wartime Recruiting Office was the potential for insubordination. You can just picture a big male officer telling a couple hundred Grannies to muster, and them saying: “I don’t think so” or “just a minute.” The WRO decided they would need to create a special cadre of ombuds-grannies to tend to hurt feelings and tricky negotiations, and, just in case, a cadre of snitches. Withholding comfort pants became a standard military disciplinary action. It was also ruled that it was a privilege to use walkers (especially wheelie walkers with shock-absorbers, adjustable height, built-in seats, and handle brakes) during marches, and that privilege could be withdrawn.
The Axis of Evil countries are going to have a hard time fighting this force. For one thing, people in the other countries are very serious about respecting the elderly, and facing grannies will surely bring them to their knees. There will be fewer “guy shenanigans” between soldiers – “you shoot over my head and I’ll shoot over yours.”
So, Molly, your place in the army is taken. The job of international aggression, revenge, exploitation, oppression, torture, colonization, rescue, “correction,” and general meddling is being left to a sector of society most suited for this occupation (and its notoriously low pay!). We will cut down on the number of Veterans of Foreign Wars because we will cut down on Foreign Wars, not to mention Veterans. This will save the country money.
Grannies will get new respect as returning heros. They will have no trouble fitting into their uniforms for patriotic gatherings and weddings. Their ample chests will increasingly bear arrays of medals for bravery. They will embrace the conquered. Go Soldier Granny!
