MOLLY:
I hear that even modern Imams say that a man should beat his wife if she does not behave. Does the mosque help men learn how to hit women properly?
DOLLOP:
It is true that a verse in the Koran (4:34) suggests that when a husband needs to punish his wife because she says she is going to run away, he should make her sleep alone and beat her. This was written in the 7th Century and has been updated by modern interpreters. Is nothing sacred?
Just as there are modern versions of the Bible to help people understand what it says in common language, there are modern phrases used to make sense of this important mandate to Muslim men. Clearly, there is scholarly consensus on the word “beat” as a translation. But some have said it means “beat lightly” or “beat lightly if it is useful” or “use a wet noodle” or “roll up a newspaper but not the Sunday Edition.”
I think Julia Child could have helped with the language: “beat vigorously until peaks hold their shape” or “whip into a froth” or “beat thoroughly until you see a change in color.”
In the gift shop of your local Mosque, you might ask to see the selection of domestic tools that have been designed for this purpose. The variety is quite modern, drawing on the displays of kitchen utensils in Bed, Bath and Beyond. There is your “Sure Grip” stainless steel bat, and your Flexing Long Whisk which is also designed to scramble eggs. For those training girls, there is the silk pink embroidered Flagellation Unicorn Horn. Although many girls ask for the Glittered Princess Wand when it is their turn for beating.
In a surprising blend of Middle East and West, you’ll see a 12 foot leather whip with a bunny poof on the end. The Home Depot influence is evident in the retractable telescoping 12-foot rust-proof “Male Hitting Extender” that doubles as a measuring tape. It comes with a free ladder. (The target market is males who say they cannot get within 12 feet of their wives.)
The Islamic Marriage Preservation Board has embarked on consumer product testing and standards. They issue the use of the label “Sanctioned for Beating of Women” so that men do not waste their money on ineffective tools. For example, there was the scandal of the Paper Mache Penis Tool which tended to get moldy and disintegrate in humid climates and made the women laugh so hard they had to leave the room and go pee.
Unfortunately, one man took up his wife’s long-handled intimate Massage and Beauty Enhancer, not knowing what it was, and got an electric shock. The company would not reimburse him for his suffering because, they said, “hitting is not one of the intended uses.” Subsequently they put a label in their brochure which has the disclaimer: “Designed for Pleasure, Not Pain. See our other products for your pain-inflicting needs.”
There is a booming business in workshops for conscientious husbands who are concerned about proper conformity with religious rules, for example: “Holy Hitting for Dummies,” and “Idiot’s Guide to Best Beating Practices,” and “In Case of Female Disobedience.” One of them includes a free insert on “How to Gather Up Your Things From the Street and Find a Place to Live, At Least for the Night.”
This business has profited from lessons learned in other contexts. Imams have tapped the pet obedience training industry and even invited the Dog Whisperer to give tips on controlling creatures in your house. The Dog Whisperer tried to convince them that he was also a very effective Wife Whisperer but they got very confused about that because just talking with wives was considered a dubious practice. They did not think that “whispering” to wives was properly addressed in the Koran. Also, it was not clear who wore what during the “whispering” and whether women’s lips were involved.
On another front, America has recently made a great contribution to civilization by raising contemplation of the question: “what is torture, really?” We would hope that the imams follow our example in applying the most rigorous standards of critical thinking and public debate to the parallel question: “what is beating, really?” Some of the insights offered:
• Vice President Cheney says “A robust interrogation program must include torture…. Torture is a no-brainer.”
• What some people think is a “dunk in the water” is not torture.
• There is “acceptable torture” and “criminal torture” and we’re not telling you the difference.
• Yes, “torture” is “that which causes agony” and it is also “a big load of hooey.”
• Sure, you can say, if you get people screaming, having their bones crunching or getting mutilated, it is “violence to life and person” but we might just call it “an alternative method of questioning.”
• What is “brutal,” anyway?
So, Molly, reasonable people can disagree about beating just as they disagree on torture. What is sorely missing in the American discourse is the object's perspective, because normally we are sooooo customer oriented that we are careful to find out if our services are effective. I think it is just a matter of time before the Total Quality Management people get in there and sort out whether, for example, mutilation is simply a reasonable incentive to cooperate, and should not be accompanied by extreme screaming.
In Pakistan, maybe 97 percent of women have experienced abuse in the home, and in Syria, about 25 percent of married women. In India, 70 percent of married women are victims of beating or coerced sex. Again, for perspective, led us consider that in America, nearly one-third of all women have suffered domestic violence some time in their lives, and this is without benefit of explicit encouragement from religious leaders.
