Lorena, How Could You?

MOLLY:

I am going to my sushi class this afternoon.  You said I should know about a famous Master Cutter.

DOLLOP:

Lorena Bobbitt was a normal lady with no aspirations for the limelight.  One day fate served her an opportunity and her extreme talent saw the light.  Was it something her husband said?  Anyway, he was asleep and she took a knife from the kitchen --- it happened to be one of the better Santoku’s - and sliced off his Naughty Bit, completely.

Only in retrospect can we appreciate the level of difficulty and the challenging circumstances of this feat.  The man was asleep, she was having a fit, and at the same time, her steady hand wielded the Dojo 6 Santoku Chef’s Slicing Knife to the most fragile of organic protrusions in a rather clumsy reclining position.   Admirers debate whether there was any removal of clothing involved.  It was a superbly clean cut.

The Bit was put in her pocket as she was overwhelmed by the enormity of Fate bringing her this Extreme Opportunity, which eventually made her famous.  Somehow – we can only speculate – she charged out the door, got in her car, and drove into the night.  It was a dark and starry night.  At a certain stretch – near Dick Done Road and Willey Street -- she remembered the Bit in her pocket and pulled it out.  It must have seemed odd – a Piece of John her husband right there, disembodied.  Her fit was still in high gear, and she cast the Bit into the night.  The Angels of Mercy to Men must have been working late that night, because they softened the fall of the Bit into a patch of grass. 

Now the neighborhood of that patch of grass was home to a pack of cats, and they are most alert at night, having no people to beg from and distract them from a cat’s real life.  (Their “day job” is scavenging for little delectable creatures at night.)  They found the Bit.  You would think:  “Aha.  Look at this.  Fell right from Heaven, or Mars.  Let’s Party tonight!”  I don’t know if you are aware of how many hours a cat can spend batting a little creature around, chasing it, tossing it, mouthing it, letting it go, catching it, running it across the yard, batting it again, tossing it again.  But.  You might have heard about the pet obesity epidemic in this country.  These were fat cats, and they had just eaten.  Their kind owners had just cooked up some Philly cheese steak and Buffalo wings, and boy, was that good.  One of them looked at the Bit and said, “I am not touching it until somebody gets me my Bad Byron’s Cajun Butt Rub Fire Barbeque Sauce.”  Another one took a sniff and said, “It smells fishy and I don’t do fish.”  Then they keeled over, their blood sugar just flooding after the delay of digesting rich imperial crab, fried onion rings, albacore tuna surprise, and the insides of a double-cheese and sausage calzone. 

When an army of police,  volunteers from late-night sports bars, and the FRT (Fast Response Team) – came upon the scene, it was not hard to locate the Bit, in the early dawn.  Several cats were snoozing with their noses almost on it, taking a lick in their sleep just to remember where it was in case hard times and hunger fell upon them before morning.

The Bit was rescued, and rinsed.  Meanwhile, John was rescued and rinsed too.  Lorena’s operation was so precise that doctors were called in to admire the execution.  It was not hard to stitch back the Bit to a very acceptable angle, except for a tiny notch underneath where one of the cats had put a tooth to it by accident.  In fact, John was so proud of it that he showed it off in movies later, knowing that a lot of people wanted to see his once-decapitated thing.  (Nobody had ever paid it much attention before.)

In fact, the Borat Bureau of Circumcisions and Sustainable Organics invited him to visit so that they could document how a “worst case scenario” could be covered up.  He really enjoyed the attention and insisted that his face appear in any pictures, but they photoshopped those later.

A friend of mine once advised someone thinking about divorce:  get a really good knife.  And learn to make mean spaghetti.  It was a good thing Lorena knew her knives.   As any guy will tell you, anything is possible if you have the right tool.