MOLLY:
What do I have to do, to be a “nappy headed ho?”
DOLLOP:
You have to be extremely good at basketball, and you have to get into a high-ranking university. I am afraid that gives you less than a 1% chance, Molly. Very few girls can do both of those things especially at a nationally competitive level.
The category was created by a man called Imus the Great.* Millions of people spent breakfast time listening to his wisdom. He was a Big Boss of Breakfast Talk. He talked, and people listened. He helped them think about things like national basketball championships. You know that lots of people in America want to improve their minds; they listen to “thought leaders” to give them thoughts that are smarter than the ones they had before. It is also part of the life-long-learning trend – so much is changing that you can feel dumb and out of it in one year. If you feel that you did not “get it” in school, you try to get it from radio, in order to feel like a person who knows things and has something to say at parties.
Imus the Great was obsessed with basketball. He was also obsessed with “good” schools that most people don’t get into. This was because he himself felt left out. He has been getting back at high school, and all those sissy “achievers,” all his life. In fact, his humble origins are the powerful secret behind the “insult humor” he invented. If you can’t join’m, knock’m down. This strategy, of course, made him rich.
In fact, another powerful value is that the Great I. vowed that he will not be a hypocrite. This is so refreshing, particularly for a radio deejay, that respectable national networks just had to recruit him and put him on the air. They thought, “All those listeners are eager for the real deal. They want to be smart when they start meetings at work. Imus-the-Great will give them wise sound bites. He will teach them interesting phrases that get you attention, especially in professional settings.”
It all went very well for him. Until he said “nappy headed ho.” It turned out that was NOT something a deep social critic says. (The networks sponsoring shock radio were shocked, shocked!) He was teaching people street talk! Which they repeated at work! Which got them fired! Mr. I-ster was being frank and unpretentious, which are his trade-marks, and his “real, unhypocritical self” was a racist hate dog!
There was a backlash. People made comments that were quite harsh: “You look like you’ve been pickled in a bad brine – and I do mean ALL of you.” “It is time for your dog to give you another haircut.” “When are you going to let Hop-Along have his hat back?”
Even the President of America added his two cents: “Heck of a job, Imus-the-G.”
The networks hosting The Great’s show called in a focus group, a.k.a. a jury of his peers, to determine whether his comment was despicable, and if so, just how despicable. They called in the cast of the show “Who Wants to Beat a 5th Grader?” to make the call.
The shock-jock expressed shock at the backlash. “I am not a bad person,” he said. “I don’t like all of this shock aimed at me. Please stop it. It hurts!” He promised never to do it again, but people noticed that his fingers were crossed behind his back. This is an old magic trick practiced by middle-schoolers.
Later, he said, “Don’t come on this radio program and insult me. Don’t insult me. I am not going to sit here and let you insult me.”
The top national reporter Gwen Ifill was called a cleaning lady by Imus the Great. When Imus-the-G was asked, “Did you say that??!!” He took a page from government officials in recent testimony, and replied, “I forget.”
Imus/G was, actually, a window dresser at one time, himself. Something we should not bring up. Even if we feel the urge to be frank.
These comments made cowboys disown him and step away quickly, or, at least as fast as their high-heeled cowboy boots would let them. “I know cowboys, and that man is no cowboy,” they said. “Oh, and he should put his hair in a ponytail.”
Howard Sterner, who is filthy rich from filthy talk and the envy of middle-schoolers everywhere, said, “The man gives trash talk a bad name. There is good trash and bad trash. Good trash is the kind that is not noticed by the Federal Communications Commission, or, they agree with it. Plus, it makes you a lot of money. Bad trash is embarrassing to everyone. As they say, only losers get caught.” Middle-schoolers thought this observation was particularly deep, and therefore should be the kind of talk shared on national radio.
Then Imus-the-G tried another tack. He said, “I am fun. I am not dumb. My evil twin made me do it. I am really a good person and that person left the room to go to the bathroom.” Middle-schoolers nodded sagely. They had tried this message themselves, many times.
There was a suggestion that Imus-G join Mel Gibson in rehab for a few weeks, to get some sun and pretend to heal his tormented soul, but I-G declined, as he had “been there, done that.” Like Mel, he hopes to quickly label his critics “evil hecklers” and win the blame game. Some members of the press promise to help out with this.
MSNBC and CBS radio are re-thinking how “deep” their programs need to be.
Don’t call anybody “Imus” or even “Imus-like.” It is a serious insult.
*Any resemblance to a person living in 2007 is purely coincidental.
