MOLLY:
The Indian Government wants me to report my menstrual cycles at work. What if I don’t have any?
DOLLOP:
It won’t hurt to just pick a day of the month and pretend. You might try to be observed buying tampons, too.
The All-India Services Performance Appraisal Rules 2007 ask that all female civil servants – 400 out of 4,000 workers, report the dates of their menstrual periods in work appraisal forms, for the government’s review. They will also be asked when they last took maternity leave.
The reason for this new policy is that the India Government cares very much about the health of their women, and they are starting with those in the employ of the civil service. The information will help them keep a “finger on the pulse” of women’s uteruses. They can intervene when things seem “irregular.” Of course they would like to do this for the entire population of India – all 500 million women – but it is not feasible. It will be a perk of civil service to have close, caring attention. The men performing annual work appraisals will be trained to inspect the detailed records of their female supervisees and factor the information in their assessment of whether a woman is really up to her job, based on the contractions of her uterus.
This means that potentially 3,600 caring male civil servants can be sure that the women in their workplace (only 1 in 10 workers) are regular. The information will be put on an intranet for added convenience.
In fact, a whole new office is being created to handle the data entry and to program the reports that are needed to fully utilize the information. The Bureau of Female Menstrual Performance and Monitoring is being created. They will make it easy for women to log their data directly from any computer. And, they will program graphs and charts that will show “bleeding rates” by individual, organizational unit, job category, age, prior job experience, salary, geographical location, marital status, and other important facets implicit in a very thorough “finger on the civil servant uterus.” Of course, a special quality control unit will be part of the new “Blood Management” group, and they may have to do personal interviews and spot-checks to verify quality of data. A very high Federal spokesman has expressed concern that “this must be done properly.” The database will add an estimated 5,000 data records per year.
Shy women have been allowed to call this activity “logging the rag,” or reporting “visits from Aunt Flo.”
Annual fitness and health appraisals are required for civil servants in India. When the men heard about the new policy, they were incensed. “What about us?” they asked. “Is our health not worthy of special attention and monitoring?”
In response to the outcry and protest about being left out, the Appraisal Board formed a Special Task Force on Male Health Indicators. After an intense 3-month retreat to a houseboat in Kashmir, during the hot season, the Task Force of 35 men came up with a solution. They proposed that proper indicators for the health of men should track how they are doing in their bowels and prostate.
The new policy regarding men will have them report – even more frequently that the women, they were pleased to hear – every bowel movement, and every erection. A second Bureau of Male Organ Performance and Management will be formed, and it will be MUCH bigger than the Bureau of Female Menstrual Performance. They will have a nicer system, also available from any computer in the civil service. The group will have spacious offices in the best suburb of Delhi. They will produce charts by individual, organizational unit, job category, age, prior job experience, salary, geographical location, marital status, and other important facets implicit in a very thorough “finger on the civil servant penis.” The database for men will add at least 2.5 million data records per year.
Male civil servants were quite pleased with the new policy, as they would indeed generate more data, and thus get more attention and resources. They felt the world should know that they are “regular,” and maybe even “superb,” and, that their prostates were getting proper exercise. In fact, a pilot data capture conducted by the Bureau of Male Organs (a.k.a. “Rise Up and Purge”) found an astonishing rate of 25 erections per day reported for the average civil servant.
Everyone knows that India is a very large country of 1.1 billion people struggling with issues of massive poverty, disease, inadequate clean water, poor roads, unreliable and unavailable electricity, lack of sewage systems, high illiteracy and low educational attainment, no government social services or health services or insurance, non-existent retirement support for most people, and inconsistent local governance. Whatever national-level planning and services that are provided are in the hands of the small Federal civil service workforce.
We can rest assured that there will be superb management of the organs of these employees, and no resources will be compromised in executing such an important function of government.
At a public hearing, a Health Ministry spokesperson said that the national problem of alleged “10 million missing/aborted girls” would be addressed, some day in the coming century, after far more important matters.
