Molly and Dollop: Conversations with the Master

How is Your Organ Doing?

MOLLY:
The Indian Government wants me to report my menstrual cycles at work.  What if I don’t have any?

DOLLOP:

It won’t hurt to just pick a day of the month and pretend.  You might try to be observed buying tampons, too.

The All-India Services Performance Appraisal Rules 2007 ask that all female civil servants – 400 out of 4,000 workers, report the dates of their menstrual periods in work appraisal forms, for the government’s review.  They will also be asked when they last took maternity leave.

The reason for this new policy is that the India Government cares very much about the health of their women, and they are starting with those in the employ of the civil service.  The information will help them keep a “finger on the pulse” of women’s uteruses.  They can intervene when things seem “irregular.”  Of course they would like to do this for the entire population of India – all 500 million women – but it is not feasible.  It will be a perk of civil service to have close, caring attention.  The men performing annual work appraisals will be trained to inspect the detailed records of their female supervisees and factor the information in their assessment of whether a woman is really up to her job, based on the contractions of her uterus.

This means that potentially 3,600 caring male civil servants can be sure that the women in their workplace (only 1 in 10 workers) are regular.  The information will be put on an intranet for added convenience. 

In fact, a whole new office is being created to handle the data entry and to program the reports that are needed to fully utilize the information.  The Bureau of Female Menstrual Performance and Monitoring is being created.  They will make it easy for women to log their data directly from any computer.  And, they will program graphs and charts that will show “bleeding rates” by individual, organizational unit, job category, age, prior job experience, salary, geographical location, marital status, and other important facets implicit in a very thorough “finger on the civil servant uterus.”  Of course, a special quality control unit will be part of the new “Blood Management” group, and they may have to do personal interviews and spot-checks to verify quality of data.  A very high Federal spokesman has expressed concern that “this must be done properly.”  The database will add an estimated 5,000 data records per year.

Shy women have been allowed to call this activity “logging the rag,” or reporting “visits from Aunt Flo.”

Annual fitness and health appraisals are required for civil servants in India.  When the men heard about the new policy, they were incensed.  “What about us?” they asked.  “Is our health not worthy of special attention and monitoring?”

In response to the outcry and protest about being left out, the Appraisal Board formed a Special Task Force on Male Health Indicators.  After an intense 3-month retreat to a houseboat in Kashmir, during the hot season, the Task Force of 35 men came up with a solution.  They proposed that proper indicators for the health of men should track how they are doing in their bowels and prostate.

The new policy regarding men will have them report – even more frequently that the women, they were pleased to hear – every bowel movement, and every erection.  A second Bureau of Male Organ Performance and Management will be formed, and it will be MUCH bigger than the Bureau of Female Menstrual Performance.  They will have a nicer system, also available from any computer in the civil service.  The group will have spacious offices in the best suburb of Delhi.  They will produce charts by individual, organizational unit, job category, age, prior job experience, salary, geographical location, marital status, and other important facets implicit in a very thorough “finger on the civil servant penis.”    The database for men will add at least 2.5 million data records per year.

Male civil servants were quite pleased with the new policy, as they would indeed generate more data, and thus get more attention and resources.  They felt the world should know that they are “regular,” and maybe even “superb,” and, that their prostates were getting proper exercise.  In fact, a pilot data capture conducted by the Bureau of Male Organs (a.k.a. “Rise Up and Purge”) found an astonishing rate of 25 erections per day reported for the average civil servant.

Everyone knows that India is a very large country of 1.1 billion people struggling with issues of massive poverty, disease, inadequate clean water, poor roads, unreliable and unavailable electricity, lack of sewage systems, high illiteracy and low educational attainment, no government social services or health services or insurance, non-existent retirement support for most people, and inconsistent local governance.  Whatever national-level planning and services that are provided are in the hands of the small Federal civil service workforce.

We can rest assured that there will be superb management of the organs of these employees, and no resources will be compromised in executing such an important function of government.

At a public hearing, a Health Ministry spokesperson said that the national problem of alleged “10 million missing/aborted girls” would be addressed, some day in the coming century, after far more important matters.

Don't Be An Imus

MOLLY:
What do I have to do, to be a “nappy headed ho?”

DOLLOP:
You have to be extremely good at basketball, and you have to get into a high-ranking university.  I am afraid that gives you less than a 1% chance, Molly.  Very few girls can do both of those things especially at a nationally competitive level.

The category was created by a man called Imus the Great.*  Millions of people spent breakfast time listening to his wisdom.  He was a Big Boss of Breakfast Talk.  He talked, and people listened.  He helped them think about things like national basketball championships.  You know that lots of people in America want to improve their minds; they listen to “thought leaders” to give them thoughts that are smarter than the ones they had before.  It is also part of the life-long-learning trend – so much is changing that you can feel dumb and out of it in one year.  If you feel that you did not “get it” in school, you try to get it from radio, in order to feel like a person who knows things and has something to say at parties.

Imus the Great was obsessed with basketball.  He was also obsessed with “good” schools that most people don’t get into.  This was because he himself felt left out.  He has been getting back at high school, and all those sissy “achievers,” all his life.  In fact, his humble origins are the powerful secret behind the “insult humor” he invented.  If you can’t join’m, knock’m down. This strategy, of course, made him rich.

In fact, another powerful value is that the Great I. vowed that he will not be a hypocrite.  This is so refreshing, particularly for a radio deejay, that respectable national networks just had to recruit him and put him on the air.  They thought, “All those listeners are eager for the real deal.  They want to be smart when they start meetings at work.  Imus-the-Great will give them wise sound bites. He will teach them interesting phrases that get you attention, especially in professional settings.”

It all went very well for him.  Until he said “nappy headed ho.”  It turned out that was NOT something a deep social critic says.  (The networks sponsoring shock radio were shocked, shocked!)  He was teaching people street talk!   Which they repeated at work!  Which got them fired!   Mr. I-ster was being frank and unpretentious, which are his trade-marks, and his “real, unhypocritical self” was a racist hate dog! 

There was a backlash.  People made comments that were quite harsh:  “You look like you’ve been pickled in a bad brine – and I do mean ALL of you.”  “It is time for your dog to give you another haircut.”  “When are you going to let Hop-Along have his hat back?” 

Even the President of America added his two cents:  “Heck of a job, Imus-the-G.” 

The networks hosting The Great’s show called in a focus group, a.k.a. a jury of his peers, to determine whether his comment was despicable, and if so, just how despicable.  They called in the cast of the show “Who Wants to Beat a 5th Grader?” to make the call.

The shock-jock expressed shock at the backlash.  “I am not a bad person,” he said.  “I don’t like all of this shock aimed at me.  Please stop it.  It hurts!”  He promised never to do it again, but people noticed that his fingers were crossed behind his back.  This is an old magic trick practiced by middle-schoolers.

Later, he said, “Don’t come on this radio program and insult me.  Don’t insult me. I am not going to sit here and let you insult me.”

The top national reporter Gwen Ifill was called a cleaning lady by Imus the Great.  When Imus-the-G was asked, “Did you say that??!!”  He took a page from government officials in recent testimony, and replied, “I forget.”

Imus/G was, actually, a window dresser at one time, himself.  Something we should not bring up.  Even if we feel the urge to be frank.

These comments made cowboys disown him and step away quickly, or, at least as fast as their high-heeled cowboy boots would let them.  “I know cowboys, and that man is no cowboy,” they said.  “Oh, and he should put his hair in a ponytail.”

Howard Sterner, who is filthy rich from filthy talk and the envy of middle-schoolers everywhere, said, “The man gives trash talk a bad name.  There is good trash and bad trash.  Good trash is the kind that is not noticed by the Federal Communications Commission, or, they agree with it.  Plus, it makes you a lot of money.  Bad trash is embarrassing to everyone.  As they say, only losers get caught.”  Middle-schoolers thought this observation was particularly deep, and therefore should be the kind of talk shared on national radio.

Then Imus-the-G tried another tack.  He said, “I am fun.  I am not dumb.  My evil twin made me do it.  I am really a good person and that person left the room to go to the bathroom.”  Middle-schoolers nodded sagely.  They had tried this message themselves, many times.

There was a suggestion that Imus-G join Mel Gibson in rehab for a few weeks, to get some sun and pretend to heal his tormented soul, but I-G declined, as he had “been there, done that.”  Like Mel, he hopes to quickly label his critics “evil hecklers” and win the blame game.  Some members of the press promise to help out with this.

MSNBC and CBS radio are re-thinking how “deep” their programs need to be.

Don’t call anybody “Imus” or even “Imus-like.”  It is a serious insult.

*Any resemblance to a person living in 2007 is purely coincidental.