Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Fat Like Me?

MOLLY:

I am travelling to Mauritania and I hear that a girl must be fat to fit in.  Do you think I need to go to fat camp?

DOLLOP:

I agree that you are at a disadvantage.  Here in America, you only have regular supersized fast food to fatten you up, whereas in Mauritania they have cows that can provide rich creamy milk – up to 5 gallons a day.   To speed up the fattening process in modern times, they discovered steroid hormones which can cause rapid weight gain. Also, women will take drugs that make them lethargic so they won’t burn calories.  In this country, of course, no one would take steroids because they might give you whiskers and hair on your chest.  I think.

A “Mauritanian make-over” can take 40 days.  The goal is to get up to more than 300 pounds or a BMI of at least 40.  You want to look ready for a wheel barrow.  The symbol for success is a “golden goose” plaque on the front door, bringing honor to the family.  It is no joke filling out a billowing sheet called a mulafas.  Men really love the look of “the blob.”  They don’t want to marry a girl who still needs to be fed 10,000 calories a day because who knows, she may not be motivated and need a trainer and so on.  Also, you know that if a girl resisted having her feet squeezed, her ears pulled, pinching on her inner thigh (out of sight), and bending her fingers backward, she is probably willful anyway.  Who needs that in a bride?

The current success rate for “looking good” is only one in five, unfortunately.  The younger generation – you can expect this from rebellious teenagers – is secretly doing isometric exercises under their flowing robes, or sneaking out to run in place in the back of the garden.  A few ragged teen magazines left by American tourists taught them the techniques of bulimia and anoxeria.

However, thanks to a national pride movement, news of Mauritania has reached the world.  The Mauritanians have introduced an exchange program with America.  They will send their daughters to America for at least 40 days to live with a middle-class family and enjoy fried chicken, pizza, donuts, French fries, jumbo sodas, and double-hamburgers with cheese, bacon, and mayo.  This will be cheaper than giving the girls all the camel’s milk to drink.  Plus, the program guarantees results.

In exchange, Mauritania welcomes fat American girls as tourists to Mauritania, where the girls can parade the beach with pride (as long as they wear a mulafa).  Guys will hit on them, lust for them, and offer to “play” at carting them around in a wheelbarrow.  They will call them “my little goose,” and teach them the French word “gavage” for gorging and force-feeding.  They will help them climb up stairs and get onto camels, gleefully pushing their palms on scrumptious bottoms, thighs, and gigantic arms.  This is sure to be a relief from being surrounded by fitness freaks in America who wear skimpy shorts and eat salad with dressing on the side. And insults from dating services who want to know your size.  Plus there is the temptation and indulgence of binging on a couple of gallons of camel’s milk.

Mauritania is one country that has managed to reduce the longevity gap between women and men.  A short life in the name of beauty – corpulent and sexy – is worth it.