Three Times a Week

MOLLY:

A nice old man saw me in the park and he said he wanted to marry me.  But I can’t even cook, let alone buy groceries!

DOLLOP:

Be careful.   It was only recently discovered that old people in America have sex.  It could be true, if you believe science.  Some of the folks are not even married.  Someone should tell them that they will die die die!

The sad part is, older men are faced with a terrible situation.  They are going to die sooner than the women.  Their libido, however, is still twice more lively.  Appropriate libido-bait their age has joined a book or a knitting club. The men have lost their looks.  Younger women cannot help but see the fleshy bits, falling hair, yellow teeth, pot belly.  Daylight is harsh, unless they are billionaires.

It is too bad that Viagra was invented to enable older men.  It is the older women who need it!  The tremendous sympathetic support from health plans for solving the problem of lift leaves the liftee whistling in the wind. The women are satisfied eating pie and reading a good book.

That’s why that man is in the park. 

The French have less of a problem.  They have a long tradition of lusting for older women and somehow the women keep their heat.

All the attention has been on the abstinence of the young.  Meanwhile, the elders have retreated to reservations where a raging bacchanal is disguised behind well-tended lawns, muzak playing in large lobbies, huge easy chairs, tame water aerobics, and putter golf.  Has anyone gone into their “recreation and entertainment centers” to see what is really going on!??  Are the rules of allowed sexual orientation being obeyed?  Karaoke, my foot.  Perhaps we should rethink the idea of keeping old people out of sight.  They should be watched!

And take away their pills.  We don’t give pills to the young; we take away pills and protection from the young, especially the girls.  And here we give pills to old men.  Who then lust after unprotected girls.

One solution is to put the pills in control of the women.  This actually happened.  A Brazilian town found that giving away free Viagra to the elderly was very popular idea all around, until the men began to stray.  The city decided to give out the pills to the women, who could decide when to have a nice hot bath or a grope in the dark.

The drug companies are going for a daily dose.  In the name of spontaneity.  Not to mention 50% profits.  Ever-Ready Man.  They say that the typical four to six times a month takes too much planning and makes for awkward timing.  The price per pill exceeds the cost of a condom, but health plans, and, in general, everybody, is behind erections.  That 30-minute window from lust to ability is just too darn much.  Especially if you used to be a 1-minute popper. (Hummm.  How to pass the time with a willing lady??)   Ever-Ready Man may have to find multiple partners, however, since three times a week is the usual limit.  Quick FDA approval is expected.  There are people who do not, no! no! no! do not, want to think of themselves as impotent.  They are ready to embrace the idea of a daily pill for “high blood pressure” that gives good buzz in the nethers.

Unlike RU-486 or Plan B, viagra is freely available.  Erections are an important national resource.  Apparently the pills work even when men are in an altered mental state (alcohol, ecstasy, power), when they are less likely to make wise choices.  Who cares about wise choices?    Medicaid even reimbursed the cost of Viagra for 198 convicted rapists and high-risk sex offenders in New York.  OK -- all erections are NOT good.

The drug companies are concerned that sales are falling off, in spite of over $400 million in advertising in 2004.  Rumors of blindness, not so much hairy palms.  Could we be reaching an erection plateau?  Are people not getting the ads?  Did Mr. Rogers ever explain “erectile dysfunction” to the children watching?