MOLLY: Somebody told me it would be easier to abstain if I drank the Kool-Aid. Do you have any?
DOLLOP:
George W. Bush the 43rd (President of the USA) was just knighted St. George the Abstainer by the Ancient Royal Order for Eleventh Century Papal Reforms. (The AROECPR wanted to celebrate the introduction of celibate priests in the Roman Catholic Church. The Reforms gave us 10 centuries of a pure priesthood. Sort of.)
George is glad. He likes to dress up for grand Eleventh Century Papal ceremonies and you can just imagine the costume! It was about time somebody said something good! After he looked Putin in the eye, Bush spent three trillion dollars to invade and trash a small country, leaving it dependent on U.S. support for the next 100 years. He brought the country to a recession while securing the life styles of the very wealthy. Oil profits are phenomenal. Our deficit is phenomenal. America is now known for torture and secret prisons. Kooks are back on the judicial bench. We have established that poor people are on their own and they can move to China or Russia if they don’t like it. All this was done in a few days between visits to the ranch in Texas! Abstinence. It’s all he’s got as a good mark in history.
St. George launched a national campaign – “Abstaining – It’s Not Just for Youth.” As part of the campaign, a national network of special camps – Abstainers For Life – are to be established by faith-based organizations. Part of the campaign is to highlight role models. One group of recruits features members of Congress and government leaders -- Larry Craig, Henry Hyde, Mark Foley, Gary Condit, Newt Gingrich and Eliot Spitzer will demonstrate Learning the Force of Abstinence. Another group – “Show Me The Way” – will recruit Catholic celibates, who have lived abstinence since the Eleventh Century. (Anybody who has been assigned to perform community service, due to certain complaints, should shut up.) Others are, for example, a Mayor of Spokane who insists that “he is a conservative Republican already” and he is active with the Boy Scouts.
The Camp will use a 12-step program to relieve “cognitive dissonance.”
1. Clear brush
2. Clear brush again
3. Ride mountain bike
4. Pray
5. Don’t read newspapers, watch TV, internet
6. Don’t think about fun times in the ol’ frat house
7. Go jogging
8. Attend workshops on critical issues: “Total Abstinence – A Path to National Security,” “Treating the Side-effects of Cognitive-Dissonance in Abstention Participants,” “Home Treatments for Managing Your Libido, with Emphasis on Yoghurt/Oatmeal”
9. Cold shower
10. Take the brush that you cleared, bind it into a sheaf of long thorny sticks, strike self
Nancy Reagan is coming out of retirement to help recite the inspiring motto “Just Say No, Boys.”
Two additional steps are very advanced and modeled on yogic techniques. Something called “inverting the chakras” by getting into painful upside-down positions. Licensed chiropractors must be present for those. People with a wide stance are known to experience dissection of the soul when they attempt these – and it is not curable.
In spite of the work that conservatives have done to promote abstinence, there is disturbing evidence that it is not working. In spite of investing $1.5 billion to get teens to stop it – JUST STOP IT -- more than half have had oral sex. Many are technically virgins! Whew, is that creative, or what? America is known for innovation, and we offer one of the best educations in the world. Teens are saying “It is no big deal.” No big deal!! Do they realize what $1.5 billion could have bought?
Hello, papal, Talmudic, and Taliban smart guys: we know there is “technical virginity.” Can you give us hope for the possibility of “technical celibacy?”
Thanks to the success of the Great Cultural Revolution in Stamping Out Sex, America’s rates of early death and disability ** due to sexual behavior ** is three times the rate of other developed nations. Wait!!? Is that good?
Meanwhile, the FCC is doing its part for abstinence. It has come down hard on rap artists who use the word “thighs.” Albertsons grocery store did its part too. Albertsons pulled a magazine from their shelves for printing the V. word, and the c. word and words for l.m., h. and a. parts of the body.
Everything is better when you drink Kool-Aid. Recommended flavors are: Scary Black Cherry, Penguin Paradise From Paris, Sunshine Punch, Oh-Yeah Orange-Pineapple, and Kickin’ Kiwi Lime. You will find that your restless soul will swoon with good feeling, everybody will seem nice, your cravings will go away, and your mouth will be smudged a cheerful red or purple. Thanks, St. George!
