Molly and Dollop: Conversations with the Master

O Yes, a Prince!

MOLLY:

There are so many Princesses in the world!  They are so pretty!  Will they turn into Queens?

DOLLOP:

In a certain unnamed country where there is Royalty, they found that the job of the Royals is not all it seems.  Royals have to dress up in very stiff clothes, smile a lot, give very boring speeches, and stand around looking at other people all dressed up and smiling.  The British Royals, for example, lost one heir to the throne because he did not have any fun and he wanted to marry his honey instead.  The women were made to stop shopping and make babies, seriously.

In fact, things got so bad that this country changed the rules to make the girls do it.  Girls like to dress up more than boys.  Girls know their clothes are going to be pretty uncomfortable already, so they don’t mind as much.  They like to wave wands and scepters,  decorate, and have pageants and big parties.  They like to have thousands of people admiring their dress and kissing their picture.  They like to let good looking men sit beside them and pass them the champagne.

In Japan, people were really upset about making the girls take the job.  They thought about it.  Then teenie 5.64-pound Hisahito arrived!  He saves 2,600 years of patriarchal succession from a horrid end just by being a boy.  Now little Aiko, Mako, and Kako are free to go play in their tutus. 

Traditional royalty fans are horrified that daughters of Kings would be in line to be The Ruler and Queen.  They think their ancestors would roll over and throw up in their graves.  Women are stinky, fickle, tend toward fat, vicious with backstabbing, and have no sense.  But then, o.k., there was Henry the 8th.

Some of us would not mind seeing someone like Princess Diana inherit a throne.  How about a little class.  That is, if they could get her to take the job.

Japan Appoints Minister for Uppity Women

MOLLY:

Dollop, I read that people in the new government in Japan think that women have “excessive equality.”  What are they going to do about it?

DOLLOP:

I happen to be privy to the inner sanctum of the Cabinet and I can tell you the whole story.

There is a national scandal in the proliferation of uppity women.  Women have been allowed to vote.  They are allowed to learn about sex.  They are not taking their husband’s name when they marry.  They are forgetting to wait up and serve a late snack to their salarymen husbands after 11 p.m.   They are not shopping for his favorite seaweed snacks.  You send them for coffee and they end up in Starbucks surfing the internet.  They go to pay a token visit to their husband’s Mamasan and the two women end up taking a trip to the hot springs in the mountains for weeks.  Or they disappear into Tokyo department stores, including the napping pods.

Of course this is a huge embarrassment to Japanese men as they like to look very proper.  No country wants the others to know that their women are Out Of Control.  Every salaryman’s sake bar is a testament to the shame and distress this is causing.  They cannot bear to go home and face the Attitude they are getting these days.

The new Premier Shinzo Abe said:  “Japan must be a country that shows leadership and that is respected and loved by the countries of the world. I want to make Japan a country that shows its identity to the world.”

The new Ministry for Uppity Women is introducing emergency measures to contain the excesses men are complaining about.

1.  Respected business men are asked to submit the names of Uppity Women to a National Uppity Registry.  This will make the Ministry look good in the short term.

2.  Any woman named in the Registry will be sent, all expenses paid, to one of a set of optional workshops for sensitivity training, for example, “Making Sure Your Male Peers Look Good,” “Sucking Up At All Times,” “Random Acts of Modest Service to the Glorious Men in Your Office,” and “Modulation of Demeanor: The Pride of Japanese Culture.”

3.  Traditional Geisha schools will be asked to break with tradition and allow for the admission of temporary residents whose terms will be decided by the Ministry.  The program will attempt to erase memories of business plans, marketing strategies, scientific experimental design, and international dual-use technology transfer, through exposure to a sequence of week-long seminars such as “Gazing at the Garden as a Path to Fulfillment,” “Posing Over Sushi: Looking Good by Not Eating,” “Ten Great Expressions of Nurture at the Sake Bar,” and “Is a Flower Arrangement Beautiful if No Man Sees It?”

4.  Companies will subsidize the sending of wives to mandatory cooking classes, including how to keep food warm to give the salaryman maximum flexibility in timing his arrival for dinner.

5.  For especially recalcitrant Uppities, the Ministry may require a series of 10-hour tea ceremonies in a remote location, with strict exams for graduation.

6.  Finally, taking a page from the USA’s great “repair” programs, they will invest $10 million in developing a 12 Step Program for “Letting Go of Independence.”

To bring itself up to speed, the Ministry will conduct an information exchange with the Mullahs in Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia to get caught up on the latest best practices for the Elimination of Women from Public Life.   Some of the proven strategies include taking away all property rights, denying jobs that entail a public appearance of any kind, and forced arranged marriage for the unwed (especially the very young and unwed).

Some equality is fine, but *too much* equality is very bad.  The Japanese do not like excessive anything except sake and cherry blossoms.  Excessive Equality leads down the slippery slope to Irrational Exuberance, not to mention Fervent Fascism, and Rabid Nationalism.  The Minister promises to bring back a Good Life, the Japanese way.

Saudi women Get a Divorce and Move Out

MOLLY:
I heard that Saudi women are not going to be allowed to go to Mecca.  Where will they go instead?

DOLLOP:

The Saudi men did not realize that the women cared so much about this.  They were just thinking about how crowded it was getting in Mecca, the most holy place of the Muslim world, and how you could not see the white marble for all the black-tented women all over the place.

The Saudis already ban women from driving, and make sure that a male guardian takes them to school, to any job, to travel, or to stay in a hotel.  This is meant to protect women from the rampant, raging lust of Saudi men which is uncontrollable except by another man.  Pills have not worked.

Because the men are thinking about women ALL OF THE TIME, the first thing they thought of when Mecca got crowded was:  “Women!”  They really wish all of the women were VIRGINS IN HEAVEN and that they would stay there.

Well, the women got a divorce and they are moving out, en masse.  (That means big batches.)   They said:  “We’ve had it with your lust!  And the virgin thing!  Go ____ yourselves!”   Well, as it turns out, that is exactly what the men were doing but I will not elaborate.  That’s why they really had not bonded with the women very well.

The women are using family fortunes to buy up islands in the South Seas, where you don’t have to do much to eat, and you certainly don’t have to drive around shopping because you don’t really need a bunch of clothes.  They are taking the yachts and the household goods with them.  And the jets.  They plan to keep going to Europe for the nightlife and shopping, and occasional spa visits.  Of course they can afford to import delicacies such as baby quail, truffles, French pastries, and fine wine.

They are also taking the eunuchs who tend the harem with them too.  Do you know what eunuchs are?  They are men who have had the lust taken out of them.  It is a special thing, and makes them very helpful to women.  Plus they are not too happy with the other men after this special ceremony either, so they are looking forward to the trip to the South Seas too.

This means it has taken Islam 1400 years to finally arrive at the perfect society, where living women have been eliminated.  A lot of imams are really thrilled about this historical milestone.  The topic of women was taking up ALL THEIR LECTURES and it was like a finger in the Dike Holding Back Lust.

Now a few men are saying: “Hey, wait a minute.  Who’s going to cook?”  But then they remembered that they can get poor people (men) from other countries like China or South America to come and be their bitches.

You might ask, what about the babies?  Well the girl babies are all leaving, and the boy babies are not so sure about being burped by male bitches.  The Saudi officials have realized that there will be no more babies, after the women leave, so the problem really goes away, just like the crowding in Mecca.

They have not thought through one serious impact: no more babies means no more people, eventually.  The perfect Islamic society in history will last only as long as the youngest men stay alive. 

The women, meanwhile, are thinking of importing egalitarian Scandinavians to their South Sea paradise to keep them company.  They are thinking about a new religion too, since the Koran has been such a pain for them.  It really is a brave new world.  Then future generations might repopulate Saudi Arabia bringing back a different “civilization.”  This new civilization will surely include a lot of tan surfers, male and female, though, looking very much like California, so they may need to make up some new rules.

South Sea Islanders are very glad to see their economy get a boost from all the independent wealth coming in, not to mention pale women jumping in the surf to enjoy their new freedom, some of them forgetting about any clothes at all after those black tents they used to wear.  And the virginity thing too.

Chinese Baby Girls

MOLLY:
The nice people next door are going to China to adopt a baby girl.  They said you can get all the baby girls you want from China, and that the Chinese are most flexible with adoptions.  Should we try to send them our baby boys in exchange?

DOLLOP:
The Chinese tend to find baby girls all over the place.  You can find them in market stalls, or on your back porch, or in the back of your marketing wagon!  That’s because it is very lucky, in China, to have a baby girl.  They want to share their good fortune with childless couples in other parts of the world.  They ask people to bring their baby girls to a Baby Girl Export Center, where they dress them up and take cute photos to put on the internet.

The government feels that it is helping the world with its need for more people.  Every baby girl sent abroad becomes an adult who looks Chinese but has had loving parents, a great childhood full of ballet and Barbies, good schooling, and probably studies to be a brain surgeon.  This makes the Chinese look good.   Then, those girl scientists can think of ways to help China change so it is not a miserable, oppressive, gray and hungry kind of place.  It is a win for everyone!

Before you know it, the girl babies will be rock stars and movie directors, rap artists, National Security Council advisors, technology entrepreneurs, and even spies.  The boys in China will want to grow up to get to know them, because the girls back in the boys’ home town look old and tired from all that hard work and no fun.  The girls in China may not read and write or play computer games.  The girls back in China have no cosmetics and fitness centers, nor American Idol competitions.  They will want to sneak off to Singapore and Thailand to get their cosmetic surgery from grown-up Chinese girl-babies who are trying to “give back” to their people of origin.

China is proud of being more competitive in the export of girl babies than any other country.  They have schools for specialists on “how to package the baby for quick export.”  For example, the babies are taught to reach for a Coca-Cola bottle as a way of expressing their interest in an American life style.  Their first words include “Yankees” and “ipod.”  If they are really good, they clap and say “Broadway.”  They are given toy microphones with the imprint “American Idol.”  They also get to see pictures of Barbie dolls with American parents so they will reach and say “Barbie” when they see them.  When presented with an array of food items, they are taught to grab the Cheerios.  If they get to choose clothes, they say “tutu” and “princess.”

You saw the movie “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?”  China is having trouble growing Ninja-girls like the one in the movie, anymore.  We don’t want to send them our baby boys for that reason.  Without strong girls among them, the Chinese have turned into brutes who don’t know how to dress.  They will drive a tank over a student sooner than give him a job.    Strong girls would not let them be so mean.  And strong boys would want to keep those strong girls home and away from American Idol!

In fact, business is so good that Chinese couples are trying all kinds of techniques in order to conceive girls.  They eat giant female eels for lunch every day.  They put flower petals in their soup.  They join “Surrogate Parents of Girls” clubs all over the country, where they sing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” in order to invite girl spirits to come into their family.  They hang pink and red striped banners on their houses for each girl exported, announcing “Red Army Fan: A Girl For the World.”

In fact, the trend is posing some political problems.  Many young men are sneaking into Taiwan to see what the world is like when there are lots of well-dressed girls running around smoking cigarettes, wearing stilettos, and throwing money around at the gambling tables.  Or leading a country.

Getting Political Women

MOLLY:

Dollop, I watched a talk show yesterday.  A very respected man said that one of the female candidates running for President was an “angry woman,” and he said that people will not and should not vote for an angry woman.  Is he allowed to say that, and ruin her?

DOLLOP:

We should think about this poor man and his need to say bad things.  For example, he might have had an argument with his wife, and he was still feeling bruised and picturing “angry woman” in his mind.  It was therapeutic for him to express this, even though he happened to be on a national talk show.  He was role-playing “Sorry Little Boy” when he said it, and maybe it helped him get over the feeling of being weak when his wife got mad.

When we call people names, or give them nicknames, and want other people to call them those names too, we are doing something quite natural.  It is called bullying.  Or, feeling stronger by putting others down.

This is a way of belittling people that are strong, intimidating, and scary.  For example, you could call Adolph Hitler “Pimple On Your Butt.”  That takes your mind off the fact that he could engineer the death of more than six million people.

It helps to make your target sexually undesirable.  For example, we could call Machiavelli (or Karl Rove) “Puny Pecker.”  We focus on something that people can relate to, instead of awful complex things like political theories and strategies.

When the target is an uppity woman, especially one with a lot of education and who has managed to get powerful or makes a lot of money, we can say “Big Butt,” or “Can’t Bake Cookies,” or “Cold in Bed,” or “Stinky,” or “Talks Too Much,” or “Whiny,” or “Bad Dresser,” or “Bitch.”  Ideally, you think of something that implies innate deficiency:  “Missing the Science/Math/Art/Brains Gene,” “Not Meant for Hard Stuff,” “Out of Her Element,” “Not What God Intended.”

Can you think of some ways you could humanize some powerful men and make them more fun?  For example, George W. Bush:  “Daddy’s Bad Baby Boy,” “Needs a Nap,” “Missing a Drink,”  “Good Time Boy,” “When Is This Over?”, “Would Rather Clear Brush Than Lead the Free World,” “Can We Stop With the Work Now?” “Missing the Gene for Competence”

It is not to hard to find the “handle” on older guys, for example, certain people in Congress:  “Big Nose,” “Fat Ass,” “Up for a Grope,” “Desperate For Any Sex,” “Will Launder Money for Adoration,” “Butter Cup,” “Can’t Get a Date Normally,” “Pasty Fat Face,” “Missing Most of My Hair,” “Low Testosterone,” “Bad in Bed,” or “Look at Me Mommy.” 

It helps to make the men sound more like men you know and their foibles.  Mr. Never There, Mr. Quickie, Mr. Gotta Go, Mr. What Me Clean or Cook?, Mr. Sex All The Time, Mr. Me the Man, Mr. Needs A Real Job, Mr. Bully.

Basically, use the lessons you learned in kindergarten, and you will get it.   Molly, remember that calling people names is not nice.