Molly and Dollop: Conversations with the Master

Finding Security in a Sperm Bank

MOLLY:

Sissy says I should have a 401(K) to assure my future income, and also a sperm bank, for a rainy day.  What kind of sperm should I be banking?

DOLLOP:

Well, traditionally you were expected to fall in love with the sperm receptacle but in modern times it is not so easy because our expectations for the “love” situation are just impossible.  For example, can any reasonable person be expected to love a man who does not have the stamina of Lance Armstrong?  Of course not.

Just as women enter beauty contests in order to offer themselves for selection and crowning, men enter sperm bank centers and offer themselves for crowning of a sort.  They are asked to fill out an application describing their physical aspects and those are considered in determining the market value of their sperm.  For example, nobody marks the box “under 5 feet” for height.  “Over 250 pounds” weight is also a rare entry.   Typically, the sperm donor will mark “look like Lance Armstrong” and “love bubble baths with my sweetie” and “tofu is my favorite food.” 

In your bank, you should think of diversification.  For example, what if in a few years you take a liking to gardening and want children who will share your passion?  You might look for the sperm of a troll who delights in the forest and flora.  Or, you feel the urge to alienate your parents and want to give them a “tough to love” experience with their grandchildren, you might pick the sperm of a beer-swilling, fat, unemployed bum with bad teeth, little hair, and unfortunate bodily proportions. 

It turns out that, just as most girls do not get awarded the prize at the beauty pageant, most sperm donors leave their goods in the recesses of massive freezers, full of hope and promise.   The women shopping out in the lobby are flipping through binders, marking their scoring sheets, brutally discounting the average, the decent, the boring.  They are looking for “spice,” an “edge,” a flash of brilliance and a great gut feeling.

Research shows that women can sense testosterone levels when they look at a man, and that when they want a fling, they pick men who have high testosterone.  (That is a code word for “good for a fling.”)  For the long haul (that is, a candidate for fatherhood who is THERE FOR YOU), they will pick a man with low testosterone: a man who is steady, slow to rage and roar or go out for bungee jumps.  In picking sperm, of course, this is complicated, because the sperm have no testosterone.  The consumer must read between the lines and imagine the man who delivered it.  Usually when women meet a whole man, he might be wearing testosterone perfume to come across like a great shag, just the way women use perfume to seem sweet when they really aren’t.  When you shop for sperm, it’s buyer beware!  Oh, but I forgot.  No shag in it!  And no THERE FOR YOU either.

So Many Wives, So Little Time!

MOLLY:

The paper said that Osama bin Laden has four wives.  Is it better to be the first wife or the last wife?

DOLLOP:

Molly, when you grow up you want to have a nice family that adores you and does nice things for you every day, like making you a snack, taking care of the house, being at home when somebody needs to wait for the plumber, and giving you a cozy bed at night.  Since you see that person a lot, you want them to be cute and sweet tempered.

When you start thinking about taking a husband, you will look for a nice boy who is cheerful, energetic, warm-blooded, and can learn to do those things around the house.  Now, after a few years, that boy may grow up and not look so cute, or get cranky, or, you just think he’s not as fresh as he used to be.  Then you want to get yourself another cute young boy.  The older one can take care of the hard things around the house, and especially take care of the children, while the new one walks around in his shorts and snuggles with you.

Having several husbands is like having a family that decides to have more than one child.  The parents say to themselves, “We liked the first one so much, we decided to get another one.”  Now, the first one is not too happy to hear it.  But they are able to tease and torment the new younger one, which takes away some of the pain of sharing.

Husbands, unlike children, are supposed to stay with you for life.  If you think they have gotten stinky, you can put them in another part of the house, or move them to live in a separate house.  You may have children with each of them, so everyone appreciates that.

The first boy you marry might be the one you remember for the first excitement of love, and the second, and third, and fourth boy you might favor for a while because they are delightful and much younger than you.  So I cannot say which husband will be the happiest.   They do have to share you no matter what.  People get used to things.  The Muslims and Mormons both like to live this way. 

Though, Molly, I hate to tell you, because you are a GIRL, you don’t get to be “a queen with a male harem.”  That’s going to have to be another life.  Only men get to have this fun.

You’ll want to try to be born again as a Mormon or a Muslim, and be sure to check “male” on the re-birth form.