Molly and Dollop: Conversations with the Master

Don't Be An Imus

MOLLY:
What do I have to do, to be a “nappy headed ho?”

DOLLOP:
You have to be extremely good at basketball, and you have to get into a high-ranking university.  I am afraid that gives you less than a 1% chance, Molly.  Very few girls can do both of those things especially at a nationally competitive level.

The category was created by a man called Imus the Great.*  Millions of people spent breakfast time listening to his wisdom.  He was a Big Boss of Breakfast Talk.  He talked, and people listened.  He helped them think about things like national basketball championships.  You know that lots of people in America want to improve their minds; they listen to “thought leaders” to give them thoughts that are smarter than the ones they had before.  It is also part of the life-long-learning trend – so much is changing that you can feel dumb and out of it in one year.  If you feel that you did not “get it” in school, you try to get it from radio, in order to feel like a person who knows things and has something to say at parties.

Imus the Great was obsessed with basketball.  He was also obsessed with “good” schools that most people don’t get into.  This was because he himself felt left out.  He has been getting back at high school, and all those sissy “achievers,” all his life.  In fact, his humble origins are the powerful secret behind the “insult humor” he invented.  If you can’t join’m, knock’m down. This strategy, of course, made him rich.

In fact, another powerful value is that the Great I. vowed that he will not be a hypocrite.  This is so refreshing, particularly for a radio deejay, that respectable national networks just had to recruit him and put him on the air.  They thought, “All those listeners are eager for the real deal.  They want to be smart when they start meetings at work.  Imus-the-Great will give them wise sound bites. He will teach them interesting phrases that get you attention, especially in professional settings.”

It all went very well for him.  Until he said “nappy headed ho.”  It turned out that was NOT something a deep social critic says.  (The networks sponsoring shock radio were shocked, shocked!)  He was teaching people street talk!   Which they repeated at work!  Which got them fired!   Mr. I-ster was being frank and unpretentious, which are his trade-marks, and his “real, unhypocritical self” was a racist hate dog! 

There was a backlash.  People made comments that were quite harsh:  “You look like you’ve been pickled in a bad brine – and I do mean ALL of you.”  “It is time for your dog to give you another haircut.”  “When are you going to let Hop-Along have his hat back?” 

Even the President of America added his two cents:  “Heck of a job, Imus-the-G.” 

The networks hosting The Great’s show called in a focus group, a.k.a. a jury of his peers, to determine whether his comment was despicable, and if so, just how despicable.  They called in the cast of the show “Who Wants to Beat a 5th Grader?” to make the call.

The shock-jock expressed shock at the backlash.  “I am not a bad person,” he said.  “I don’t like all of this shock aimed at me.  Please stop it.  It hurts!”  He promised never to do it again, but people noticed that his fingers were crossed behind his back.  This is an old magic trick practiced by middle-schoolers.

Later, he said, “Don’t come on this radio program and insult me.  Don’t insult me. I am not going to sit here and let you insult me.”

The top national reporter Gwen Ifill was called a cleaning lady by Imus the Great.  When Imus-the-G was asked, “Did you say that??!!”  He took a page from government officials in recent testimony, and replied, “I forget.”

Imus/G was, actually, a window dresser at one time, himself.  Something we should not bring up.  Even if we feel the urge to be frank.

These comments made cowboys disown him and step away quickly, or, at least as fast as their high-heeled cowboy boots would let them.  “I know cowboys, and that man is no cowboy,” they said.  “Oh, and he should put his hair in a ponytail.”

Howard Sterner, who is filthy rich from filthy talk and the envy of middle-schoolers everywhere, said, “The man gives trash talk a bad name.  There is good trash and bad trash.  Good trash is the kind that is not noticed by the Federal Communications Commission, or, they agree with it.  Plus, it makes you a lot of money.  Bad trash is embarrassing to everyone.  As they say, only losers get caught.”  Middle-schoolers thought this observation was particularly deep, and therefore should be the kind of talk shared on national radio.

Then Imus-the-G tried another tack.  He said, “I am fun.  I am not dumb.  My evil twin made me do it.  I am really a good person and that person left the room to go to the bathroom.”  Middle-schoolers nodded sagely.  They had tried this message themselves, many times.

There was a suggestion that Imus-G join Mel Gibson in rehab for a few weeks, to get some sun and pretend to heal his tormented soul, but I-G declined, as he had “been there, done that.”  Like Mel, he hopes to quickly label his critics “evil hecklers” and win the blame game.  Some members of the press promise to help out with this.

MSNBC and CBS radio are re-thinking how “deep” their programs need to be.

Don’t call anybody “Imus” or even “Imus-like.”  It is a serious insult.

*Any resemblance to a person living in 2007 is purely coincidental.

Mr. Abe and the Comfort Women

MOLLY:

What is a comfort woman?  Can I be one?

DOLLOP:

During World War II, the Japanese sent many soldiers into Southeast Asia to take over those countries.  The soldiers were very young and far away from home.  They missed their mothers.  In Japan, their mothers took very very good care of them.  Suddenly the boys were in the jungle: bugs are biting, it is terrifically hot and steamy, there is never time for a bath.  You know, the Japanese really like to take a hot, hot bath every night which is a great comfort.  So, commanders decided that women in new strange Southeastern countries could help their soldiers by providing them with comfort.  They called on people in places they had invaded to round up some good women.  Every woman was given a little room and a very large supply of those hot moist washcloths that you get on the plane to wipe your face and hands – the next best thing to a full bath.  Then they had the soldiers line up to visit the “comfort women.”   

Later the women complained that they were exhausted from so many soldiers.  When they were finally done, in some cases after a few years, or the war was over, they returned to their families.  Their families did not want them back because they were cranky from years of doing that work.   Some of them were so cranky that they would not speak of this “comfort” time in their lives, and they could not have children.  Some live together and have cats and Koi fish.  You know how people make fun of that.

The Japanese later apologized to the women for making them do it.  Many had grown very old, had never stopped being cranky, and really didn’t think the apology made up for it.

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe recently insisted that the Japanese military really did not have a role in the “recruitment” of the women.  He said that the “comfort system” was really set up by friendly natives in the countries they invaded as a kind welcoming gesture.  Indeed, really, the natives offered up their daughters and future wives.

Mr. Abe is caving on the issue, and will appease the uproar from the few women still left alive, from about 200,000, and who are old ladies bold enough to speak up about this controversial experience, which is really not proper at all if you are in the Orient.  Since he claims the women were volunteers and really just “friendly, welcoming natives,” Mr. Abe offered to make amends.  He will send 200,000 Japanese boy missionaries to volunteer to give comfort to total strangers in the countries the Japanese invaded.   They will bring 4 billion washcloths and the latest Japanese washcloth steaming contraptions, and each boy will handle MORE than 20 strangers in need of comfort, each day.  Even if they get tired, they will give massages and do embarrassing personal touching if their “guests” demand it.  Mr. Abe thinks that this will put to rest the rampant, life-long harbored feelings of victimization and grief for a lost normal life on the part of a few grumpy women.  It will demonstrate that the Japanese know “comfort” when they see it, and they can give it as much as take it.

In fact, to neutralize the myths that have built up about the “comfort system,” Mr. Abe is personally going to demonstrate how giving comfort to dozens of strangers for years is not all that bad.  He is going to open a booth at the Mall of America and welcome all comers, time allowing in his schedule.

Thai and Cambodian business agents have asked Mr. Abe to consider coming to their personal services districts to show them how it’s done.  They inquired whether the boys would be virgins.

You can’t be one because you had to be captured by the Japanese to be one.  They are not currently capturing women right now, and they don’t have a bunch of soldiers far away from home who really want that steaming washcloth.

However, other Asian countries have picked up on the idea of comfort girls and women.  Because they are in so much demand, there are people in the business of “recruiting” girls and transporting them to certain towns, such as places in Cambodia and Thailand.  These girls are made to sell comfort to many men, including many foreign tourists who hire giant buses to bring them to these districts off-the-beaten-path.  The women are set up in certain hotel rooms, with a good supply of steaming hot towels, or, they live in special houses with lots of little private rooms.  If the girls get tired of the work, they try to save up $70-$150 to pay the business owner to “buy out” their share of the business. 

You can’t be one of those because your parents would miss you too much.  But I am sure they will give you $100 to do some other kind of work, too.

Killing Me Softly

MOLLY:

I hear that even modern Imams say that a man should beat his wife if she does not behave.  Does the mosque help men learn how to hit women properly?

DOLLOP:

It is true that a verse in the Koran (4:34) suggests that when a husband needs to punish his wife because she says she is going to run away, he should make her sleep alone and beat her.  This was written in the 7th Century and has been updated by modern interpreters.  Is nothing sacred? 

Just as there are modern versions of the Bible to help people understand what it says in common language, there are modern phrases used to make sense of this important mandate to Muslim men.  Clearly, there is scholarly consensus on the word “beat” as a translation.  But some have said it means “beat lightly” or “beat lightly if it is useful” or “use a wet noodle” or “roll up a newspaper but not the Sunday Edition.” 

I think Julia Child could have helped with the language:  “beat vigorously until peaks hold their shape” or “whip into a froth” or “beat thoroughly until you see a change in color.”

In the gift shop of your local Mosque, you might ask to see the selection of domestic tools that have been designed for this purpose.  The variety is quite modern, drawing on the displays of kitchen utensils in Bed, Bath and Beyond.  There is your “Sure Grip” stainless steel bat, and your Flexing Long Whisk which is also designed to scramble eggs.  For those training girls, there is the silk pink embroidered Flagellation Unicorn Horn.  Although many girls ask for the Glittered Princess Wand when it is their turn for beating. 

In a surprising blend of Middle East and West, you’ll see a 12 foot leather whip with a bunny poof on the end.  The Home Depot influence is evident in the retractable telescoping 12-foot rust-proof “Male Hitting Extender” that doubles as a measuring tape.  It comes with a free ladder.  (The target market is males who say they cannot get within 12 feet of their wives.)

The Islamic Marriage Preservation Board has embarked on consumer product testing and standards.  They issue the use of the label “Sanctioned for Beating of Women” so that men do not waste their money on ineffective tools.  For example, there was the scandal of the Paper Mache Penis Tool which tended to get moldy and disintegrate in humid climates and made the women laugh so hard they had to leave the room and go pee.

Unfortunately, one man took up his wife’s long-handled intimate Massage and Beauty Enhancer, not knowing what it was, and got an electric shock.  The company would not reimburse him for his suffering because, they said, “hitting is not one of the intended uses.”  Subsequently they put a label in their brochure which has the disclaimer:  “Designed for Pleasure, Not Pain.  See our other products for your pain-inflicting needs.”

There is a booming business in workshops for conscientious husbands who are concerned about proper conformity with religious rules, for example:  “Holy Hitting for Dummies,” and “Idiot’s Guide to Best Beating Practices,” and “In Case of Female Disobedience.”   One of them includes a free insert on “How to Gather Up Your Things From the Street and Find a Place to Live, At Least for the Night.”

This business has profited from lessons learned in other contexts.   Imams have tapped the pet obedience training industry and even invited the Dog Whisperer to give tips on controlling creatures in your house.  The Dog Whisperer tried to convince them that he was also a very effective Wife Whisperer but they got very confused about that because just talking with wives was considered a dubious practice.  They did not think that “whispering” to wives was properly addressed in the Koran.  Also, it was not clear who wore what during the “whispering” and whether women’s lips were involved.

On another front, America has recently made a great contribution to civilization by raising contemplation of the question: “what is torture, really?”  We would hope that the imams follow our example in applying the most rigorous standards of critical thinking and public debate to the parallel question: “what is beating, really?”  Some of the insights offered:

• Vice President Cheney says “A robust interrogation program must include torture…. Torture is a no-brainer.”
• What some people think is a “dunk in the water” is not torture.
• There is “acceptable torture” and “criminal torture” and we’re not telling you the difference.
• Yes, “torture” is “that which causes agony” and it is also “a big load of hooey.”
• Sure, you can say, if you get people screaming, having their bones crunching or getting mutilated, it is “violence to life and person” but we might just call it “an alternative method of questioning.”
• What is “brutal,” anyway?

So, Molly, reasonable people can disagree about beating just as they disagree on torture.  What is sorely missing in the American discourse is the object's perspective, because normally we are sooooo customer oriented that we are careful to find out if our services are effective.  I think it is just a matter of time before the Total Quality Management people get in there and sort out whether, for example, mutilation is simply a reasonable incentive to cooperate, and should not be accompanied by extreme screaming.

In Pakistan, maybe 97 percent of women have experienced abuse in the home, and in Syria, about 25 percent of married women.  In India, 70 percent of married women are victims of beating or coerced sex. Again, for perspective, led us consider that in America, nearly one-third of all women have suffered domestic violence some time in their lives, and this is without benefit of explicit encouragement from religious leaders. 

It's Hard Out There for a Congressman

MOLLY:

What does it mean when a Congressman has a “Washington problem with the woman?”  What is “that unfortunate thing that he did?”

DOLLOP:

I will give you an example.  Representative Don Sherwood (R-PA) works very hard to represent Republican values such as banning abortion and cracking down on illegal immigrants.  He makes sacrifices, such as leaving his devoted wife and daughter back in Pennsylvania while he toils in Washington.  Part of that toil includes entertaining a very young Peruvian immigrant in his home.  He had to do that for FIVE YEARS.  And you know how he feels about immigrants.

For several reasons, specifically, cuts on her face, bruises all over her body, and injuries to her mouth, the very young Peruvian woman called 911, from the bathroom.  Representative Sherwood was simply trying to give her a massage, he said.  However, he did concede to being a little rough and settled, secretly, for $5.5 million on the lawsuit.

Is this good or bad?  He is hoping for a lot of forgiveness, beyond his wife and daughter, because he is running for re-election.  President Bush has forgiven him and traveled up to have an ice cream cone with him.

After all, “family values” refers to things that are mostly important * outside of Washington * -- things that OTHER PEOPLE should be doing.  Like not hitting women.  Or Making Your Wife Stand By Her Bad Boy.  Also, the Agenda does Not Anywhere say in writing, or in fine print, or in Karl Rove’s notes that  “respect for women” is even to be mentioned.

Whatever happens in Washington stays in Washington.  The President said so.  It is part of his “National Character Counts Week” celebration. 

The President plans to forgive ex-President Clinton any day now, for his much more minor “unfortunate thing.”

There are people trying to get Lemony Snicket to write this up as part of his Series of Unfortunate Events but he said real life is too scary.

To Score or Not to Score: the Taliban Tally

MOLLY:

A man came to our classroom with a measuring tape.  He measured the distance between the rows of desks.  He said we were doing very well.  Why are we doing very well?

DOLLOP:

Some people like to use numbers to decide whether something is good or not.  For example, the man could have asked you:  “How are you doing?”  But he preferred to arrive at the answer his own way.

For example, many people decide whether girls and women everywhere in the world are doing well by using the U.N. Gender Empowerment Measure.   It counts how much money girls get, whether they are allowed to work, and whether they are allowed to vote.  Some people also count how long girls go to school.   The richest countries are ones that give girls the most.  So try to live in a rich country, Molly, because it makes a difference.

Now, some countries are not very interested in having women in their streets, let alone take up great jobs that many eager men would like, such as sweeping the streets.  In fact these countries have a different idea of success.  Because they are proud and feeling competitive in the global market for oppressing and exploiting women, they developed a secret “Taliban Tally.”

You have to understand that it took quite a bit of intelligence work on the part of Trollop and Chickie to get this information.  They had to disguise themselves as al Queda brutes and infiltrate the highest echelons of madrasas to find even one piece of paper, let alone one that was readable, and then it was in Arabic and had smudges from greasy lamb kabobs all over it!

Here’s what counts, and the winners get an all-expenses-paid ticket to Suicide Bomber’s Camp which is the final step before hooking up with 72 virgins (female, go figure) in heaven:

PLUS points to a town or tribe for:
• The number of men with child brides at their disposal
• Extra points for each extra wife
• Extra points for the bride’s age younger than 16
• Extra points for virgins
• The number of straying or misbehaving women buried and stoned to death
• The amount of public humiliation inflicted before they are stoned to death
• Beatings of women that are kept well out of public awareness
• No bicycles for anybody

MINUS points for:
• The number of women in public
• Any woman in public not completely covered in a burqa
• Any woman employed or taking money for anything in public
• Any girls in school
• The existence of any schools that allow girls to attend
• More minus points for higher grades
• Any health centers for women
• More minus points for assistance with child birth or “female problems”
• Big minus for any woman with a college degree
• Any pictures of local women in the Western press
• Any publications by local women in anybody’s press
• Women * driving * cars
• Women voting
• Any bride who was not a virgin (and still alive)

Some towns and tribes have resorted to bombing schools and health centers serving women in order to improve their scores.

Clearly behind the Taliban Tally is an extreme fondness for and longing for women, as evidenced by the willingness to make the ultimate sacrifice for the * MERE PROMISE * of 72 virgins without any guarantee or evidence of this reward actually getting delivered, and that the full number will be delivered!  Trollop and Chickie asked many times to count the virgins, and all they were shown were a big bunch of black burqas in a back room.  Well, everybody knows there are a bunch of black burqas in the back room.  Anyway, there weren’t 72.  And they weren’t in heaven.

The reality of having dark, pale, depressed and sickly women cowering in the dark back rooms of homes does not diminish this fondness, apparently.    Clearly, daily life is not listening to The Sound of Music and watching happy Heidi’s singing on Alpine slopes, while wearing short skirts.  Nor is it watching The Postman Always Rings Twice reruns.

Of course Muslims and the Taliban did not invent the fascination for A LARGE NUMBER of VIRGINS, SOMEWHERE.  I don’t want to get into “who invented the idea first.”  The notion of many, many virgins is also a concept of great fascination among Catholics.  The Christian Saint Ursula was a British virgin promised to a French Gaul and had to sail across the English Channel.  She took with her 11 thousand “virginal handmaidens,” or “vestial virgins.”  In the course of her adventure the whole lot fell into the hands of Huns who beheaded the virgins.   (Stoning was not popular with them.)  Thus the story is called the passion of the virgin martyrs.  There are disputes that the original number was really “11” and got mistranslated into “11 thousand,” and we can only speculate that this inflation occurred in a monastery.

What is “vestial” about them?  That’s from an ancient Roman tradition of having virgins sacrifice their fertile years to guard the eternal flame of the Goddess Vesta, a symbol of Rome’s regeneration and well-being.  They were upper-class girls, and gave up 30 years of their youth for the cause.  In return they got good seats at the movies.  If a girl broke her chastity, she would be buried alive.  So you could say that the Romans pretty much own the idea as well as modern Muslims – the idea that you should lock up some prime babes and kill them if they get dirty.

Now in order to recruit more Female suicide bombers, there have been attempts to hype the concept of 72 virgin BOYS.  Somehow the idea is not catching on.  Many resist the picture of one virgin girl and a bunch of virgin boys anywhere near heaven.  Plus, girls are picky and what if they had watched The Bachelorette and really just teased the boys.  Heaven would seem a lot smaller, and too much like high school, and we can’t have that.

There is a case of a secret Women’s Anti-Taliban Society that kidnaps boys and beats them for any signs of lust, or, basically, for anything.  They are made to sit in a corner and if they want anything – to read a book, go outside, get a job, or sing, they are stoned.  And they must wear black sheets.   This is called “sensitivity training.”  It has not proven very effective.   Once the boys are released, they tend to regress and blabber about LARGE NUMBERS OF VIRGINS, SOMEWHERE.

That is all to say that scoring on the Taliban Tally is a serious business, for certain Muslim boys.  Once they learn Management by Objectives and get a few other countries to play, they can give out awards for Achievement in the Elimination of Women.