Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Sexist Pedophile Priests

MOLLY:

Lacy says I need to go to church because there are a lot of boys there, dressed up in robes.  By the way, why can’t a woman be a Catholic priest?

DOLLOP:

Molly, Christianity arose in secrecy in ancient times.  The Romans did not like Christians and fed them to lions and tigers so it was dangerous to be known as a Christian. They had to learn to keep a lot of things in the catacombs.

One of the secrets is that they did not want women to be priests because women would interfere with male energy and the intensification of male spirituality.  Like the ancient Hindu yogis, the early Catholics think that being celibate – can you spell “C E L I B A T E “? – transforms male energy from sex into spirit.  In fact the Hindus thought that every time a male “lost his seed” he would diminish his spiritual potential. 

The upshot is that they had to stay away from women.  The Catholics had the women most close to them – nuns – wear robes much like the burqa of the Muslims.  You can get a peek of a woman’s face and that’s it.   That is supposed to work, in helping men “deny the body.”  That fact that it stimulates the imagination, which is a person’s largest sexual organ, was a blooper.

Plus they did not want women around to talk.  If you are doing secret ceremonies in the catacombs, the fewer “in communion” the better.  In fact, if women tried to muscle their way into the priesthood by claiming to be ordained, they were excommunicated as heretics.  Some people kept the women out of “higher spiritual authority” by calling them witches and burning them, but that’s another story.  Witches go overboard with candles and costumes, and singing, and setting up little altars with precious knick-knacks.  Worse than that, they stop paying attention to their chores at home, and hold hands with other witches.

Well, thanks to the primitive hoards of the likes of Genghis Khan and their wild woolly ways, certain practices from the East probably migrated into these catacomb scenarios.   You know, secret societies will make things up and take off with ideas. 

I think the idea they took off with was tantric Buddhism but they would never admit it.  Basically, a radical minority decided that “losing seed” was EXACTLY the way to the holy spirit, and losing it with innocent children was the optimal path.  They of course did not tell the CELIBATES about this alternative path, because a) there might not be enough boys to go around and b) there would have to be a lot of explaining to do.

So you have gay priests hiding among the celibates, and everybody is feeling ecclesiastical.  And the women are covered up, thank God.  They are singing in high pitched voices and keeping their minds off what the men might be doing.  Except in the case of some errant missionaries in Africa, who did not get the memo about boys, and took after the nuns.  The nuns were forced to take The Pill, and even get abortions, which is of course contrary to Church law too, but hey, the Heretical Slope is slippery.  The nuns were “safe” sexual partners at a time when AIDS was prevalent in Africa.  But wait, aren’t women not “safe” for a priest, ever?  Sex wasn’t supposed to be “safe” for a priest.  Oh well, I guess they missed a LOT of memos out in Africa.

Never mind about Africa and missionaries.  That is VERY confusing!

There are 110,000 Catholic priests in the U.S.   Four percent, or 4,500 to be exact, took up this “tantric” practice.  They took it up between 1950 to 2002, which is MUCH later than the mongol hoards and Genghis Khan were trafficking wild ideas.  I am not sure how this happened.  Maybe somebody had a time machine.

Anyway, they were inviting boys into the church so they would meet a lot of them.  About 11,000, mostly teens, during that time.  If they made a mistake and loved the boy too much, then the Church fathers moved the priest to another parish.  That meant everybody had to pray a lot more and start all over again.

Since Catholics are against gay marriage, they did not want to appear to be implying that gay “activity” should be sanctified by marriage.  It should be sanctified by the Bishop, in secret, and forgiven, if he was supposed to be a CELIBATE, but protected and hidden if he was a “tantric.”  Marriage, allegedly the only sanctioned and holy arrangement for sex, was just different.  Married people are not as holy as priests, and they need the construct of marriage to preserve holiness.

The Vatican decided that it needed to clear things up and asked new priests to declare whether they were CELIBATE or GAY, up front.  Of course, no one had really been honest about either before, so they decided everybody outside the priesthood should JUST SHUT UP, and GO TO HELL.   They all have to say CELIBATE because that is the magic word to get in.  Allowing married priests and women is OUT OF THE QUESTION, and the non-priests could just go on having sex without remorse (mostly) and stay out of the catacombs.  No silk robes and cool hats for them!

Someone suggested that women were far less likely to go “tantric” than men, and therefore the Church should switch their recruitment of priests to this population.  An Archdiocese spokesperson kindly pointed out to the lay that dwelling on this issue was quite insensitive, and the Devil was probably behind the publicity, and people making fun of priests will GO TO HELL.  Oh, and NO WOMEN in robes or catacombs.  That is a sin.

The shortage of new priests is posing new kinds of problems.  There are fewer to consider whether to allow communion to divorced Catholics who remarry without an annulment, and there are increasing numbers of more divorced Catholics who remarry without an annulment, and WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?    Also, the backlog of souls needing to be cleansed cannot be contracted out.

All this behavior is in such contrast with that of regular lay Catholics, some of whom confess every time they have sex outside of marriage.  Indeed, the lay people add to the pressures on priests, needing all this cleansing, since sex outside of marriage is also WAY OUT OF HAND.  Some sensitivity and consideration on the part of sinners would be appropriate.

The revelations about tantric practices has resulted in a great deal of remorse all around.   Just as all sins must be carefully classified and memorized, all the types and degrees of abuse suffered at the hands of priests must be classified and memorized, and allocated monetary values.  This has led to remorse on the part of victims who settled with the Church too early, thus losing out on the Remorse Epidemic and escalating expectations for compensation.  Rather than tending to their flocks, and the significant real estate that holy business takes, not to mention budgets for frocks and marble chapels, the clergy must tend to insurance policies and payout schedules.  This is of course a preoccupation that takes special skills, and unemployed accountants from Enron are helping out.    Both bankruptcy courts and confessionals have been overloaded after the discovery of these practices.  The ultimate goals, of course, are “peace and healing,” and salvation for all souls involved.

The Boy Scouts were also infiltrated by Genghis Khan.  The Boy Scout leaders, wanting to be like priests, fell in love with boys, occasionally.  But mostly it was forbidden.  Boy Scouts were supposed to be learning knots and how to eat bark to survive, navigating by the stars, lashing a latrine, and occasionally skinny dipping.

The boys, of course, are in church because their mom made them go.

Girls are not as welcome in the Higher Church because in history, women have been known to become witches, as I mentioned.   Also, these same priests really feel disgusted when girl witches hang out with other girl witches.  They wish the girls would keep that stuff in their own catacombs.  Also, they don’t want witches, I mean women, cleaning their stuff, and kissing it.  This gives the CELIBATES urges to go out and drive a big pickup truck or burp or crush a beer can in their hand.  That would be very inappropriate, in a church.  Of course we could have the priests wear blindfolds so they cannot see the women, but then they could not see the boys either.  It is a conundrum.

Enough about spirituality!