Molly and Dollop: Conversations with the Master

How is Your Organ Doing?

MOLLY:
The Indian Government wants me to report my menstrual cycles at work.  What if I don’t have any?

DOLLOP:

It won’t hurt to just pick a day of the month and pretend.  You might try to be observed buying tampons, too.

The All-India Services Performance Appraisal Rules 2007 ask that all female civil servants – 400 out of 4,000 workers, report the dates of their menstrual periods in work appraisal forms, for the government’s review.  They will also be asked when they last took maternity leave.

The reason for this new policy is that the India Government cares very much about the health of their women, and they are starting with those in the employ of the civil service.  The information will help them keep a “finger on the pulse” of women’s uteruses.  They can intervene when things seem “irregular.”  Of course they would like to do this for the entire population of India – all 500 million women – but it is not feasible.  It will be a perk of civil service to have close, caring attention.  The men performing annual work appraisals will be trained to inspect the detailed records of their female supervisees and factor the information in their assessment of whether a woman is really up to her job, based on the contractions of her uterus.

This means that potentially 3,600 caring male civil servants can be sure that the women in their workplace (only 1 in 10 workers) are regular.  The information will be put on an intranet for added convenience. 

In fact, a whole new office is being created to handle the data entry and to program the reports that are needed to fully utilize the information.  The Bureau of Female Menstrual Performance and Monitoring is being created.  They will make it easy for women to log their data directly from any computer.  And, they will program graphs and charts that will show “bleeding rates” by individual, organizational unit, job category, age, prior job experience, salary, geographical location, marital status, and other important facets implicit in a very thorough “finger on the civil servant uterus.”  Of course, a special quality control unit will be part of the new “Blood Management” group, and they may have to do personal interviews and spot-checks to verify quality of data.  A very high Federal spokesman has expressed concern that “this must be done properly.”  The database will add an estimated 5,000 data records per year.

Shy women have been allowed to call this activity “logging the rag,” or reporting “visits from Aunt Flo.”

Annual fitness and health appraisals are required for civil servants in India.  When the men heard about the new policy, they were incensed.  “What about us?” they asked.  “Is our health not worthy of special attention and monitoring?”

In response to the outcry and protest about being left out, the Appraisal Board formed a Special Task Force on Male Health Indicators.  After an intense 3-month retreat to a houseboat in Kashmir, during the hot season, the Task Force of 35 men came up with a solution.  They proposed that proper indicators for the health of men should track how they are doing in their bowels and prostate.

The new policy regarding men will have them report – even more frequently that the women, they were pleased to hear – every bowel movement, and every erection.  A second Bureau of Male Organ Performance and Management will be formed, and it will be MUCH bigger than the Bureau of Female Menstrual Performance.  They will have a nicer system, also available from any computer in the civil service.  The group will have spacious offices in the best suburb of Delhi.  They will produce charts by individual, organizational unit, job category, age, prior job experience, salary, geographical location, marital status, and other important facets implicit in a very thorough “finger on the civil servant penis.”    The database for men will add at least 2.5 million data records per year.

Male civil servants were quite pleased with the new policy, as they would indeed generate more data, and thus get more attention and resources.  They felt the world should know that they are “regular,” and maybe even “superb,” and, that their prostates were getting proper exercise.  In fact, a pilot data capture conducted by the Bureau of Male Organs (a.k.a. “Rise Up and Purge”) found an astonishing rate of 25 erections per day reported for the average civil servant.

Everyone knows that India is a very large country of 1.1 billion people struggling with issues of massive poverty, disease, inadequate clean water, poor roads, unreliable and unavailable electricity, lack of sewage systems, high illiteracy and low educational attainment, no government social services or health services or insurance, non-existent retirement support for most people, and inconsistent local governance.  Whatever national-level planning and services that are provided are in the hands of the small Federal civil service workforce.

We can rest assured that there will be superb management of the organs of these employees, and no resources will be compromised in executing such an important function of government.

At a public hearing, a Health Ministry spokesperson said that the national problem of alleged “10 million missing/aborted girls” would be addressed, some day in the coming century, after far more important matters.

Bitch or Bimbo

MOLLY:

Carly Fiorina says that the Silicon Valley chat rooms called her either a Bitch or a Bimbo.  Which should I try to be? 

DOLLOP:

I would suggest both, at the same time.   A multi-headed monster.  Go with the flow, and enjoy it.  Either one comes with very cool outfits.   Let’s see here:

Bitch
- conservative expensive clothes
- make more money
- save time not suffering fools
- get what you want
- get sent to Reykjavik for G-8 Summit
- get voted out of CEO job

Bimbo
- sexy expensive clothes (e.g. extra-lift bra)
- no pressure to think
- get a lot of love, when he’s ready for you
- great hair
- get taken to Hawaii for beach junket
- live on alimony
- get left home when new cutie appears or the wife complains

There is an alternative: 

Mom
- frumpy “active” clothes
- frugal allowance
- be nice to one Big Guy
- guilty or worried about kids all the time
- giving, giving, giving
- not quite up on the Big World Out There
- a little tired
- get forgotten in the kitchen

You have to understand that men may not know what to do with you if you do not fit one of these molds.   If you want to * Break * the Mold, try to disguise yourself as one of the archetypes above, at least Out in Public.  Learn Bitch-, Bimbo- or Mom-“speak.”   

The alternative is to find an egalitarian Scandinavian, shack up, and reinvent yourself in all the infinite variety of looks, values, outfits, and interests out there.  I do recommend red shoes, a Ph.D., and a cute baby.

Mr. Congressman, You Are SOOO NICE!!

MOLLY:

Dollop, I heard that a Congressman paid special attention to boys who are interns for Congress, asking one of them what he wanted for his birthday, and what he was wearing.  Are they nice to the girls too?

DOLLOP:

Congress has a long tradition of caring about children.  It is definitely part of the “family values” agenda to be extremely interested – even obsessive-- about trends like gay marriage and pedophilia.  In fact, one of the most child-friendly Congressmen, Representative Mark Foley (R-Fla.), co-chaired the Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children so that he would know a lot about sexual predators and how they operate, and how they are caught.

You can never tell what makes someone a zealot for a certain cause.  It is the Red Riding Hood Wolf syndrome.  The Wolf gains Little Red Riding Hood’s trust by becoming the most trusted person she knows, her granny.

Pages in Congress are like acolytes and choir boys in church.  They are invited to participate in the rituals of the esteemed sanctuary so that they learn to admire and emulate their elders, serve them by carrying things and holding things, and dressing up with them.  They are learning the Meaning of It All.  Well, most of the people in Congress are men, and most of the pages are boys, so it is very much like the Catholic Church in that regard.  The first boy page was appointed in 1829 in the Senate, and in 1842 in the House.   That is a tradition of 178 years of having boys around the Congress to help out.   

Girls were just invited starting in 1971, due to a pesky law (passed by spoil-sports) about discrimination, so they have been there only 36 years (or one-fifth as long).  You understand that for about 142 years, people in Congress and generally did not want girls to run for office and get involved in politics (which is just even more ugly that letting them vote), so having them learn the ropes of Washington and get inspired as teenagers was definitely not a “family value.”

The composition of Congress (107th) currently is:  87% male in the House and 86% male in the Senate.  (Hey, does that look like a quota to you?  Maybe we should just call it a quota. Then the people who hate quotas can have at it.)

The composition of 66 pages in Congress now is:  Unknown.   Nobody is counting.  Dolly, what’s your guess?

FYI, there were of course special rules for girls in the early days.  They could not work past 6 p.m. because nobody wanted them to walk home in the dark.  And they had to live at the YMCA, because the nice dormitories were built for boys.  (Our esteemed CongressMen could not think of * any * way around this…  Too much else on their minds, even before text-messaging.)

That is why the old tradition of being nice to boys continues pretty much, and people are reluctant to rock the boat, because the boat is pretty much fun for some people.  (For example, the news of Mr. Foley’s behavior was not shared with all three people who oversee the page program and are responsible for the welfare of pages, so as not to rock the boat.  The news was kept from the Republican * woman * and the Democrat = two thirds of the oversight team.)

Some Congressmen work so hard, preparing legislation against gay marriage, women’s programs, educational access for minority students, birth control, welfare (especially for unwed mothers), tax breaks for the poor, child care programs, and higher education for the poor – all part of the “family values” agenda – that they need to have this fun on the side.

Letting him occasionally text-message a boy and ask him if he [READER DISCRETION STRONGLY ADVISED HERE] “spanked it” and that he “loves details” is just a small price to pay for the hard work they do.  Also, having the details published on the internet provides us with free pornography that we have to read in the interest of “current affairs.”  When they get caught, the authorities play the “Mel Gibson Card” and send the poor sucker away for alcoholism rehab, preferably to Grand Cayman Island or wherever there are a lot of young beach boys.

The Promise of Soldier Grannies

MOLLY:

I heard that my country is invading another country to show them who’s boss.  Will they be drafting me to go fight?

DOLLOP:

Although the general feeling is that little girls are particularly delectable as cannon fodder, it is not likely because your society has found a better solution and wants to save you for beauty contests.

Recruiters have long been in a quandary as to how to “sell” the idea of fighting for your country especially when you are not defending it, really, but rather building wealth and power for mostly rich people.  I mean, who wants to die for bigger golf courses and more varieties of coffee drinks?  Some people don’t believe that we deserve nicer mega-malls and mega-churches at the expense of killing thousands of foreigners somewhere, wherever they tend to live.   Plus we want to be free to keep the minimum wage low, and these freedoms cost.

Traditionally, young men are the preferred cannon fodder.  Traditionally, you get men to sign up for the good deal of getting free food and clothing and a few classes.  It is true that the idea of patriotism works for many, but sometimes they just wish they could move out of their mom’s house and hang out with other guys, for free.  Now in a sloppy or truly misbegotten war, you have a situation where being cannon fodder means you will be “used up,” i.e., dead when you finish.  Honest important rich white men do make mistakes and sometimes the “woops” factor is big.  You can find yourself in a pile of bodies in no time.  Unanticipated resistance from the attackees.   For example, women blowing themselves up instead of flirting and giving you a latte.  Ouch. 

There was a big fight about letting girls go to war.  At first, people thought girls should serve donuts and dress nice, improving the morale of the troops who can’t have a shower and have to duck bullets all the time.  Once in a while girls were given actual weapons and allowed to do some killing on their own.  It was thought that women don’t have the gene for killing but they found out otherwise.  Some girls even had the gene for torture.  This discovery gave new meaning to the motto of World War II for women: You Can Do It.

Oriental movies helped glamorize girls in armor.  They show Ninja girls who by day arrange flowers and tip-toe around in silk kimonos and at night jump on roof tops and humiliate brutal and slow men.  Yes, that is romantic, but just a movie.  Of course, if the heroine spars with a good looking smart man, then that is foreplay and that is more credible.  From a girl’s perspective, of course, this means that not only do you have to learn all the arts (music, dancing, singing, calligraphy, gardening, cooking, flower arranging, serving tea, posing under cherry blossoms) you have to kick major ass too, by which I mean use swords to cut up several men at a time, in order to really look good and get a good-looking husband.

Thanks to a movement in the U.S., some grandmothers figured out that instead of making young men into cannon fodder, we needed to rethink this traditional approach, in light of demographic trends.  There are more senior women than men.  Some would say an excess.  There are a number of social problems related to this phenomenon:  They are old.  They live a long time.  They don’t look so good.  They need pensions and social security benefits for many years.   They spend their time gardening, painting in watercolors, and making crafts.  They knit pot-holders, when nobody cooks anymore.  They are generally free from work and family responsibilities.  They take water aerobics.  They need to supplement their inadequate pensions.

A group of grandmas approached the men running Wartime Recruiting Office and said:  “How about it?”  In fact, the Elder Hostel program got involved too and offered to run the boot camps.   Of course in addition to training seniors on how to load a gun, they had to throw in a few enrichment classes on the Archaeology of Early Roman England and the Gardens of Provence.  They knew that with this soldier candidate, they needed to allow for lots of bathroom breaks.  And maybe supply adult field diapers.

The group of grandmas, also known as The Band of Old Girls and the Granny Peace Brigade, held a sit-in to persuade the recruiters.  It worked.  Masses of people joined in the demonstration, bringing walkers for them, extra shopping bags to carry photos of grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and skinny lattes.  Everyone wore sensible shoes.

They talked military strategy, and how technology has changed the nature of war. Weapons of mass destruction came up.  Some thought that countries in the Evil Axis had gone too far in processing uranium allegedly for peacetime uses, and others thought that letting citizens in those countries grow up was a good idea.  The conundrum of technology transfer and reciprocal agreements, especially regarding dual use technologies, was discussed by a number of speakers.

If somebody had to patrol dangerous neighborhoods in an alien land, it might as well be them.  Who else was secure in knocking on doors and asking people if they were hiding something?  Soldier Grannies would not put up with rowdy rock-throwing young men, and they would shoot them if they didn’t stop.

Driving in the desert or vast war fields can’t be too hard; no traffic, no intersections, and no parallel parking.  A straight shot: hauling supplies, getting tanks into place, hummers lined up.  After decades of putting on make-up, camouflage had to be second nature.  No training needed there.  They certainly knew how to pack a backpack, including some sweet-smelling sashays and putting socks and snacks in baggies, having done the family packing for decades.

The issue most disturbing to the Wartime Recruiting Office was the potential for insubordination.  You can just picture a big male officer telling a couple hundred Grannies to muster, and them saying: “I don’t think so” or “just a minute.”  The WRO decided they would need to create a special cadre of ombuds-grannies to tend to hurt feelings and tricky negotiations, and, just in case, a cadre of snitches.  Withholding comfort pants became a standard military disciplinary action.  It was also ruled that it was a privilege to use walkers (especially wheelie walkers with shock-absorbers, adjustable height, built-in seats, and handle brakes) during marches, and that privilege could be withdrawn.

The Axis of Evil countries are going to have a hard time fighting this force.  For one thing, people in the other countries are very serious about respecting the elderly, and facing grannies will surely bring them to their knees.  There will be fewer “guy shenanigans” between soldiers – “you shoot over my head and I’ll shoot over yours.” 

So, Molly, your place in the army is taken.  The job of international aggression, revenge, exploitation, oppression, torture, colonization, rescue, “correction,” and general meddling is being left to a sector of society most suited for this occupation (and its notoriously low pay!).   We will cut down on the number of Veterans of Foreign Wars because we will cut down on Foreign Wars, not to mention Veterans.  This will save the country money.

Grannies will get new respect as returning heros.  They will have no trouble fitting into their uniforms for patriotic gatherings and weddings.  Their ample chests will increasingly bear arrays of medals for bravery.  They will embrace the conquered.  Go Soldier Granny!

Pay Gap, or The Missing Quarter

MOLLY:

My neighbor lady said I could get paid as much as 75 cents on the dollar if I got a job.  Where does the other 25 cents go?

DOLLOP:

Well, women who earn salaries really want to give up more than 25 cents on the dollar, because they don’t really need it.  Everybody said: “It’s enough! Enough! Give up just 25 cents, ladies!”  Besides, 25 cents is one quarter, and it doesn’t take as much arithmetic to figure it out.

The quarter goes toward a lot of good causes that women like, to give back to the guys.  For example, it goes into a Quarters Fund from which guys who want a good beer party can take some.  It goes towards the guys’ boom speakers in their cars, or oversize tires on their cars.  They might have trouble paying all the expenses for a golf course, or, the grass needs special grooming, and these Quarters are ready for the taking.  Or, guys like to go hunting and they need bullets, chewing tobacco, and more beer.  They might need an extra large screen in the sports bar.  They have partied hard and broken some furniture, and they want to replace it.  They have embezzled money from their employer and need to put some back.  Men need bigger tools and heavy equipment because that is what guys do.

Men need more money because they also have to do chores at home, and they get worn out.  They barely have time for a beer when the garbage has to be taken out.  Women may be busy at home changing the baby’s diaper, shopping for food, cooking dinner, cleaning up after the dog, vacuuming the living room, putting in three loads of laundry, supervising the homework, getting the kids into the bath and into pajamas, straightening up the living room, picking up all the toys, cleaning the baby food off the floor and walls and doors, planning lunches for tomorrow, getting the kid’s clothes ready for tomorrow, paying a few bills, and updating the after school activities schedule, but it is nothing like taking the garbage out.  Don’t try it yourself, Dolly. 

Also, female citizens just cost everybody a little more.  Women are wearing high heels and put more wear and tear on sidewalks, for example, and the sidewalks have to be replaced more often.  They spend more time in the bathroom, so we have to build more bathrooms for women, or at least long hall ways so they have a place to stand in line.  Because women talk too much, we need soundproofing and things like heavy draperies to muffle the chatter.  Women don’t wear enough clothes, so the heating of public spaces needs to be higher, and that costs money from the Quarters Fund.  We have to put baby changing stations in bathrooms for the women.  The government subsidizes dry cleaners and laundries because they have to put up with women’s clothing.  A guy goes to the laundry and gets his shirts, thank you very much.  A women gets her blouse and says: ”Oh my, the collar is ironed wrong and you missed the ruffles, or, please charge me for pleats even though my skirt has none.”

This also means that women do not have to manage as much money.  It is a burden to have FOUR quarters when THREE are easier.  Women are not bothering financial managers with big piles of money, and asking about complex investment strategies.  They are not as likely to buy houses which everyone knows is a pain in the neck.  When they retire and live longer than men, they don’t have to go crazy spending left-over retirement funds.  They can avoid the ugly logistics of travel to Hawaii and Florida, crowding the tourist spots, and waiting in line at good restaurants.  Their kids are not as likely to beg for money, and cry about college tuition, or a car, or a down payment on their first house.   Our court system likes to give more money to the man because he is going to need it, especially if he wants to start another family, and get another divorce.

When women get divorced, they gladly give up the complex work of managing their mortgage payments and paying utility bills, if they can.  Who needs a house stuffed full of antique furniture?  Who needs to have the New York Times arriving every morning, adding clutter to your living room?  Why watch 200 cable channels when 10 is easier?  And computers – don’t get me started.  A woman with a computer is a woman who needs a man.

The “gap” in “pay” is really a “gap” in the head.  A quarter is a very small amount, considering everything I have just said.  It is no big deal.  Of course, I have never had to deal with any quarters myself.   I am just telling you what I’ve heard.

The Groper

MOLLY:

Dollop, the new governor of California is a movie star and a weight lifter called Arnold Schwarznegger, but they are calling him “the groper.”  Can I be a “groper” too?

DOLLOP:

You know how you get into crowded areas like a bus or the subway, or waiting for the opera to start, or in the line at McDonald’s, and you are up close to people?   Or, sometimes, people have business meetings and they are by themselves in a room, say in Hollywood, and they are proud of themselves to be so important to be having a meeting?   Certain people make a habit of celebrating their success in life by grabbing the private parts of other people.

That would be like you standing in an elevator and feeling good, so you grab at a man’s crotch just as you get off and before the elevator door shuts.  Or, you are having a meeting with some people who want to make a business deal with you, and suddenly you are alone with one of them, and you stick your picky in his mouth.  It’s a gesture.  The person groping is having a little fun, especially if he can surprise the other person.  The person getting groped is not always agreeable and may smack your hand, so part of the game is to get away from them fast.

You don’t want to be grabbing little boys in the crotch at the zoo because their parents might chase you.

Now if you see Arnold Schwarznegger or any of his family, you feel free to poke them in the behind and run, because he is known for doing this and he admires people who can get away with it.